Thought Catalog

I’m Finally Starting To Find Myself Again

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You’ve been lost before. A lot of wrong decisions here and there. A lot of things you shouldn’t have done. A lot of words you shouldn’t have said. You kept praying for a miracle. You kept praying for you to wake up into the past to redo the things you’ve done, to unsay the words you’ve said. You’ve surrounded yourself with walls no one else can bring down. You started trusting people less. You started keeping everything to yourself. People would often tell you that you are too quiet or too timid. The truth was, you weren’t. You were just afraid to open up to them. You were afraid that they would see your flaws. You were afraid that they would judge you even before they get to know the real you. You were afraid that the mistakes you’ve done would define who you are.

In the process, you grew tired of keeping your walls up. You didn’t know how it happened, but one day, you woke up feeling yourself again. The self you were before all these things happened. You found your way once again and realized those mistakes were meant for you to make to show you your way back into the right path, to show you who are true to you and who are not.

Bridges were burned. Friendships were broken. Scars were left. You might have lost a lot, but you surely gained a lot too. You started loosening up. You started opening yourself for the world to see who you truly are. You started to bury the grudges, the hatred and the pain they have caused you.

More importantly, you started to forgive yourself. You realized the mistakes you have done should not define who you are. You don’t need to explain yourself to others. You don’t need to be ashamed. You started rebuilding the confidence you lost and you started rebuilding the self you were before.

Just when you thought you were finally getting the pieces right, just when you thought you were finally getting things into their proper places, you are lost once again. Life has a funny way of sneaking in on you. Boom! It would blow right in front of your very eyes, without you even knowing how you got here, when you got here and why you got here in this situation once again.

You lost the confidence you had a hard time rebuilding. Life has been tough on you and you thought you were tougher. You thought you knew better. But life brings different waves in different times of our lives. You are drowning yourself in misery, in resentment, in regrets. The words that hurt and brought you down before echoed in your head once more. The things you buried came haunting you again, and before you even know it, you started believing they might have been right all along. You tried to point your fingers on others.

You tried to blame them for letting you become this way. But you were once again wrong. They are not to blame – you are to blame. You allowed them to make decisions for you because you were so afraid of making your own decisions. You were afraid you’d pick the wrong ones again. You were afraid of failing again. People believed and trusted what you can do and what you can achieve, but you didn’t. You felt deep within your heart that you were meant to fail, that you were meant to only be on the sidelines. You were meant for small things, never for the big ones.

Before, you regretted the things you did, the words you said. This time, you regretted the things you should have done and the words you should have said. You have grown impatient with yourself and have lost the will to conquer the things that are coming your way. You lost hope, and the saddest part is, you lost faith too. You let life bully you. You let it bring your spirits down. You let it take away the happiness deep within you. You let it bruise your soul. You let it take away every good thing that is left of you.

But let me tell you, all things come in pairs – the bad and the good. In the aridity of all these mess, life gave you a sprinkle of magic, a sprinkle of hope, and a sprinkle of love. Life is but an unending circle, an unending cycle; one day you are at the peak, the next you are at the very bottom.

You should stop complaining and start acting. You should stop doubting in yourself and start believing.

You should stop contemplating if the big things, the big dreams in life aren’t for you, but instead start aiming for them. And if things don’t fall into place, then maybe you should try harder. Besides, you have nothing more to lose, but you surely have a lot more to gain. TC mark

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