1. The Boyfriend
This one is obvious; he’s your boyfriend. Officially. Not one of these label-less relationships you’ve convinced yourself is something more. The sex is something comfortable you’ve come to expect. You may have experimented a bit in the beginning, but now it’s just the same repetitive positions each go around. There’s really not much excitement here anymore, unless you’re drunk and let your inhibitions go and try a finger in the butt or something.
2. The Free Spirit
This guy showed up to the party wearing pinky rings, and could be questionably homeless. He asks you if you have a Facebook, and, being the normal person that you are, you respond “yes.” He then gives you a ten minute lecture on why Facebook is the downfall of real social interaction. However, this guy is extremely good looking, so you’ll put up with his nonsense, and smoke with him to try to get on his level. Eventually, he’ll confess to you that his thoughts are “off curing cancer,” and you’ll have sex with him to just make him stop talking. You won’t have sex with this guy again, obviously, but you’ll see him a few weeks later at a free concert, dancing alone and wearing a daisy crown.
3. The Troubled Soul
You’ll meet this guy while he’s drinking alone in a bar on a Friday night. That should probably be a red flag, but he’s charming so it’s overlooked. You ditch your friends (because you obviously didn’t show up to the bar alone), and go have the best sex of your life. The troubled, intense guys are the best hook-ups. They don’t care what you think, and are willing to do all that weird stuff you didn’t even know you wanted, but once you’ve done it it’s all you want. However, every time you meet up with him it’s at a bar, or it’s midnight and he’s already pretty drunk. You realize this guy definitely has a drinking problem, as he admits to you he blacked out and peed on the couch the night prior. He’ll say things like “I drink to escape the pain,” which you won’t understand because, from the outside, he’s well off, handsome, and smart. He might also have some really questionable scars that you’ll ask about, trying to connect with him, and he’ll act dodgy and redirect the conversation. Eventually, you’ll realize this guy is just an amazing hook-up but will never be more than that, and you’ll enjoy every minute of it until it inevitably ends.
4. The “I shit where I eat”
This guy works at the local grocery store, or a restaurant you frequent. You try to make small talk with him whenever you see him at his job, and eventually work up the courage to ask him out. You meet up with him one night after his shift and are pleasantly surprised that he’s packing way more than just deli meats. This one was never meant to be more than a hook-up, but when it ends, you realize now it seems like you’re stalking him whenever you’re at his place of employment, especially if he now has a girlfriend. You never make eye contact, and always go through a different line, but running into him is inevitable. This one you’ll regret because you need food, but now you’ve taken a big ‘ol dump where you normally eat. You’ll find other places to go for food, and will rejoice the day he quits and you can resume living again.
5. The Perfect Guy
This guy has everything. If you were to write down a list of everything you wanted in a guy he would meet all the criteria. He looks like Matt Bomer and Dave Franco had a baby and he is what they produced. He has a real job that he seems to enjoy, and takes you out on dates and pays (no matter how hard you try to pay). He has an adult room; I’m talking bedframe, nice sheets, and even a potted plant. He’s in peak physical condition, cooks for himself, plays an instrument, and is incredibly smart. However, then you’ll get down to business and find his flaws. He goes all American Psycho on you and checks himself out while you’re sexing. Added, no matter how many times you go down on him, he will not reciprocate, but hopes that his halfhearted thrusting was enough to get you off (it never is). You’ll end it because even if he’s perfect in all other aspects, this is a hook-up and you need a guy who can get you to where you want to go. Cue Lily Allen’s “It’s Not Fair” here.