As I Retreat Back Into Myself

Flick / xiu xiu
Flickr / xiu xiu

There are too many inconvenient thoughts that I stifle as I go about my life. Yet, when they finally catch up to me and I try to tease them out, they don’t quite come together. I can’t begin to find the words to express them. I do try; but after all, I know my words will never capture my thoughts in their true essence, and neither will my words be comprehended to their intent, as much as we all try.

We’re all fighting our own battles, but I wish I could fight mine somewhere closer to the surface. I want to be able to provide people with explanations – for the time I shut them out when I really needed them closer than ever, the time I crumbled at the most harmless gesture. I want people to know that despite the way I often seem, I don’t wish to be a closed book. I want them to see that there’s more to me behind my typically easy-going, laid-back self, and just as much behind every other seemingly uncharacteristic side of myself.

There’s nothing too wrong with me, at least I think and hope not, but my heart is growing heavy. I fear the day I’ll be held captive by a web of my own thoughts, one that no one can possibly fathom, let alone begin to unravel.

As I spare the integrity of my thoughts at the cost of isolation, I find myself wondering if misunderstanding could possibly be any more unsettling than this painful lack of understanding. Perhaps I should be giving myself and everyone else a chance – but the words on this page are as many as I can manage, and I hope with all my heart that you, as you read this, decrypt them with care. TC mark

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