20 Reasons Why Your Roommate Has Replaced Your Need For A Significant Other


1. You have a joint bank account (is that legal?).

2. You’re on a first name basis with their parents (“What’s up, Jan and Michael!”) and have been for years.

3. When you’re telling your mom about a first date, her first question is whether your roommate approved of them, not about what how it went or what the person’s like. Because let’s face it – you’ve made enough mistakes (Zach, Michael, that Israeli pHD student who called you a shiksa and broke up with you in a mall in the suburbs of Chicago) that your mom trusts your roommate’s judgement of guys over your own.

4. You are slowly single-white-female-ing (the metaphor applies even if you are not white and female) each other by subconsciously starting to dress the same, getting the same haircut, and picking up each other’s hobbies. And you don’t think it’s creepy.

5. You have potentially slept with the same guy and you feel like it’s brought you closer. Not only that, but you wouldn’t mind it happening again.

6. You put off watching Game of Thrones on Sunday if they have to work late or can’t make it – no pregnant wedding murder, former slave warrior murders, or pre-burning-alive murder without your BFF!

7. You cuddle with each other when you are lonely or sad.

8. You cuddle with each other when you are not lonely or sad.

9. You cuddle with each other for the pure, simple joy of human touch… and to remind yourselves that if even if you’re single, you have each other. And really, you’re both emotionally fulfilled and vibrators are affordable these days.

10. You continually find yourself sharing stories about each other to people you’ve just met – people who usually find these stories completely boring. But really, why can’t they understand how funny it is that your biggest source of tension is when one person is using talk-to-text in one room, which makes the other think they’re being spoken to when they’re not? And why aren’t these people also amused about the fact that you BOTH abhor cottage cheese and men who wear those creepy toe shoes?

11. You list each other as emergency contacts, despite having family that lives nearby.

12. You discuss adopting a dog together, but get too stressed out thinking about who would have custody if one person was to move out. Then, you spend the next fifteen minutes debating who would move out, why, and why it would ultimately be a bad decision.

13. You have a “song” that you listen to and interpretive dance to together on Sunday mornings, and which you dedicate to each other while singing karaoke. When you willingly sing a horrible rendition of “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” by Celine Dion in the middle of a crowded dive bar as a homage to your friendship, why even download Tinder?

14. You can discuss politics, romantic issues, and the latest episode of Mad Men – all while in bathtub.

15. There is absolute, total comfort in pooping in the same apartment, with the door open. Honestly, the idea of having to build that level of trust with someone else, let alone in a romantic way, is so daunting that it’s basically pointless.

16. You call each other on your way home from work, even though you know you’ll see one another in about five minutes.

17. Making weekend plans becomes unnecessary because you know when all else fails, you’ll be drinking wine (one bottle each, obvs) on the couch with each other.

18. You’re roommates… who sometimes have sleepovers. Platonic bed sharing is the FUTURE.

19. The nitty gritty aspects of relationships that get tedious and boring actually excite you if you can do them with your roomie, and often times you’ll schedule your Saturday errand-runs together. And yes, of course you’ll share the shopping cart and grocery list.

20. Men have visibly become disinterested in talking to you at parties after interpreting your behavior towards each as being straight up Ellen-DeGeneres-and-Portia-DeRossi gay.

Clare Austen-Smith is a lover of science fiction, feminism, and pop culture. You can find her on twitter at @clareausten.

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