Today I had lunch with a charming, well-travelled, educated, creative and inspiring woman. We talked a lot about our upcoming projects, our issues in juggling our passions and our jobs (which are only sometimes the same thing), and motherhood.
We then moved on to relationships, and do you know what she said to me? This most inspiring stunning woman said,
“At least you have a husband. I am, despite having a child and being over 30, still in girlfriend mode.”
She saw my jaw drop to the floor. She didn’t need to explain, I understood instantly what was meant. There was no ambiguity in the term “girlfriend mode” nor was this an expression of satisfaction. Quite the contrary, there was serious frustration built into those two words.
We all know what separates the girlfriend from wife mode. It’s not just the legally binding bit, it is also a mindset.
A mindset that says I have chosen this person to create not only life, but also a partnership with.
Girlfriend mode is a passive exercise consisting of just “hanging around” or simply “still being there”. People are lazy and so OFTEN just accept the status quo until something better comes along.
The wife mode on the other hand requires an ACTIVE decision from both parties and potentially involves putting on nice clothes, buying flowers, and going down to the registry office.
So why does it matter? Is it not an old-fashioned institution that has long lived out it’s “use by” date? We could debate that until my botox needs refreshing again.
My opinion on this is clear.
It does matter.
I want to be a choice.
I not only want, but require that the partnership with me be an active decision and a positive act.
I want my partner to sit down and make the decision despite:
1. The fact that something better may come along;
2.That the family might have other ideas about your choice of partner,
3.That he hates my interior decorating style.
I want to be chosen and accepted as I am, with all my saggy baggage. That despite all that, he is still “in.”
I want to be “his girl”, to the exclusion of all others.
Fundamentally, if you want it, you need ask for it, possibly even demand it.
What is the worst that can happen? He says “no”? So? Then at least you know, can move on and don’t waste your time.
Only you can decide how you want to be treated. What you are willing to tolerate.
I don’t believe that being married or having a wedding is the ultimate goal in life – that you should be grateful that someone, anyone, wants to marry you. But if you have decided that this man is worth your time AND the active choice is something that is important to you, then you deserve to have it!
Think about it, do you want to be that girl? Bitching at lunch?
Admit it, are you currently in this situation and it’s eating you up? Or at least pissing you off when another friend posts another filtered photo of her diamond engagement ring on Instagram and you’re still “under consideration.”
My advice for what it is worth is to make the decision and follow though, just as you would anything else in life. Why should a successful relationship be any different?
Remember your time is valuable and it is more valuable than his… you have an expiry date that is earlier than his (facts are facts ladies) – but be prepared that there may be
He may just walk away – you know what though, they always end up marrying, even those who don’t believe in it!
Let him waste someone else’s time. You deserve better.