1. At least twice a week, you will spill coffee all over yourself. There’s nothing worse than having a perfect work outfit on and spattering coffee down your freshly ironed blouse, thus ruining the whole look you had so carefully created. This scenario is your own seventh ring of hell if you are not a morning person.
My solution: I now have breakfast in my PJs and change afterwards.
2. You love getting your nails done, but your nail polish keeps smudging and chipping. Maybe it’s because you’re too impatient to let it dry properly, and you hate the feeling of being totally impaired for a full 20 minutes. Maybe it’s because you type too aggressively or because you refuse to wear washing gloves. Whatever the reason, it keeps happening.
My solution: I get manicures done with my own nail polish. That way, if it chips or gets smudged (something bound to happen), I can fix it myself. And I keep my phone and Kindle handy while at the salon, because no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I can sit still and not do anything for a couple of minutes, without a doubt, two seconds after the manicurist has finished, I’m going to be fishing in my bag and looking for something to do.
3. Ah, pantyhose. You need these babies, because skirts and dresses don’t always fare well with cold weather. The problem is your clumsy self keeps getting holes, snags, and runs in them, all-the-time (while spending hundreds of dollars more than the average girly girl).
My solution: I always have an extra pair at home (once I tore two pairs before even leaving my place), and in one of the desk drawers at work (sometimes, when I know I’m going to be moving around a lot, I even carry an extra pair in my bag). And I always, always, have clear nail polish with me.
4. Suede shoes and handbags are beautiful and feminine. But you, my darling clumsy girl, will always find the only puddle in the city to fall into and will most definitely get mud on those dazzling pumps, or spill your sugary margarita on top of your bag while at the bar, or whatever.
My solution: Suede is off limits. It’s my own version of Adam and Eve’s apple. The snake (i.e., the salesgirl) will try to lure me into buying the items in questions. But I can do it. But, oh! It’s a trap! There goes my money down the drain. Again.
5. You love heels. You wear them all the time. If you’re like me, nobody really knows your true height. I even wear wedge Havaianas when I go to the beach. And although I don’t remember the last time four inch heels hurt my feet, the truth is, I trip at least once a day, and I have even literally fallen down in the street more than once.
My solution: I haven’t really found one. I’m open to suggestions. However, in case I do get a sprain someday, I have instructed all of my friends to remove the shoe of the foot in question immediately (if I am too blinded by the pain to do so), because I know that if you keep it on and your foot swells, the doctor is going to have to cut the shoe out, thus ruining your beautiful shoes. Sprained feet will heal, but sadly, your severed shoes will be lost forever.