I’m basically a full time babysitter. I even look like one – an old colleague of mine once remarked that if she really needed a babysitter and saw me walking down the street, she’d probably ask me if I was free to babysit. Thus, I have unprecedented access to the hilarious things kids say, and I present them here for your amusement.

1.

I often had to explain to a particular 5-year-old boy that my attempts at drawing and coloring were a result of 22 years of practice, so naturally they were going to look different and (possibly) better than his. He really took this to heart, and on a bushwalk one day asked me, “You’re a good walker. How long have you been practicing walking for?”

2.

I asked a 4-year-old girl what the first sound in dog was. She screwed up her face and said “ …Woof?”

3.

A 6-year-old girl and I were chatting about bedtimes, and she told me her parents put her to bed at 7:30 PM. Curious, she asked me what my bedtime was and I mentioned that I get to set my own bedtime. I had intended to explain that this was because I am an adult, but she beat me to it and said in a curious voice, “Oh, are your parents dead?”

4.

Another 6-year-old girl was very afraid of her parents not returning after going out, but then one day, despite them being out, abruptly said, “Well, it’s not so bad if they don’t come back, because then I’ll be an orphan and everyone will have to be nice to me.”

5.

I was explaining the concept of clones to a 5-year-old girl, and when I finished she proclaimed, “I’m not me anymore! I’m a clone!”. When I asked her where the real her had gone, she replied with, “Oh, the other me went to space to be dead.”

6.

A 7-year-old boy came up to me and asked me if he could whisper a secret in my ear. I leaned over and he dramatically whispered at me, “I can see that you have breasts.”

7.

A 2-year-old boy was playing hide and seek with me, then dragged me into a hiding spot whilst proclaiming, “We’ll both hide!” Despite me telling him repeatedly, it took him 5 minutes to realize that absolutely no one was looking for us.

8.

A 3-year-old boy asked to brush my hair. Then, as he raised the hairbrush to my head he dropped his voice down two octaves and said very seriously, “Hair commence.”

9.

One 5-year-old girl shared with me that “Last night, Mum took the Nutella jar into the TV room. And she ate it just with a spoon. And I’m not supposed to tell anyone.”