I wish I could show you all the magic that happens when you let go of him.
Please believe me, I’ve been there.
I remember everyone saying that they understood what I felt like. But the thing is, it doesn’t matter when you’re in it. You’ve been manipulated and lied to enough already. Nothing matters. You have one job, and it’s to make him happy, even if it’s at the very cost of your own happiness. You are in the midst of fighting for someone who retreats into themselves for the sake of destroying you, yet attacks when you are heading for the door. They’re really good at what they do, a professional at their craft. Nevertheless, you sympathize with them and put yourself in their shoes. It’s the right thing to do—it must be.
Trust me, I know it’s scary, because it doesn’t feel better for a long time. But I always remember what someone once told me when I was in your place: “Healing is not linear.” It’s not something that gets better and better. It gets better, and then worse, better, and then back to the lowest you’ve ever been.
One day, you’ll have an amazing session with your therapist and you will be practically walking on air. The weights on your shoulders could be compared to pebbles rather than the boulders they always feel like.
The next day, he may send you a text that leaves you spiraling. Your heart will sink so low into your stomach that you can’t eat for a day or two. Nothing feels more at home than the sheets on your bed. And that’s okay, because it’s all leading you to this.
I wish I could hug you and tell you that everything is going to be okay so soon. You’ll be able to wear makeup whenever you want and never be questioned for the reasons you decided to dress up on a sunny afternoon. You’ll meet a boy who treats you like a princess day in and day out. He will dance with you in the kitchen and completely and wholeheartedly accept you, worries and all. You are going to wake up to the sun shining through your bedroom window, and for the first time you will realize why this had to happen.
Rumors will float around, but you need to know that you are so much more than what others talk of you. Do not forget that you were kind in a time when people were not being kind to you. It’s a scary thing when people act like they know you better than you know yourself. You need to love yourself during times like this in the most precious way possible.
You are going to be so thankful for your empathy and compassion. It feels like the enemy now, but this is your greatest gift. This experience that you are going through right now is going to make you stronger than ever. You’re going to be able to stand up for yourself and be truly, authentically you. You are so close to happiness.
I wish you all the happiness in the world.