Ever since I was a little kid, I had low self-esteem. I didn’t just think I wasn’t good enough, I KNEW I wasn’t good enough. That’s why I never gave the effort to put myself in the spotlight. I felt like if I did, it’d just be a pedestal for failure.
Little did I know that all the years of that built me into the person I am today. I have insecurities like any other person nowadays. I wish I had better control of them, but I allow them to dictate my life.
I become consumed by social media and envious of the glorious, happy lives I see. I know that most of the pictures are just for show and everyone has their bad days too, but I don’t know why it still gets to me.
When I was a teenager, I had dreams and aspirations. I wanted to become successful to prove something to my parents and family. I wanted to become the best sister to my brothers. I wanted to travel the world and fill my body with tattoos. I wanted to meet my Prince Charming, like how the Disney princesses do. I wanted to have the perfect bod so I’d feel confident.
Fast forward to 2019 — I’m in my twenties and I haven’t achieved any of that. I’m just living paycheck by paycheck and unsure about everything in life. My life went downhill once depression and anxiety hit me. I didn’t know how to cope with it at first, but my therapist helped me. He was one of the few that reassured me. Someone who didn’t make me feel crazy.
Living with and anxiety is like going on those crazy rides at the fair — those rinky dinky looking ones that you have a gut feeling that is super unsafe, but your friends beg you to ride it with them. I used to be ridiculously scared to go on those rides because I didn’t know how it’d feel or if it were safe. But I learned that if I never take the risk, I’ll never know. As a socially anxious person, taking risks is one of the hardest things. I’m putting any last bit of trust I have within me into something that may or may not go well.
I guess you can say I have trust issues. I don’t like opening up to any random person because sometimes, people can be evil. I believe there’s some good in everyone, but something takes over in people’s minds, and it doesn’t bother them that it’ll affect everyone else around them.
I risked opening up to someone. I bit the bullet and took a chance, hoping it would bloom into something beautiful. However, being anxious and depressed in a relationship isn’t easy. I always questioned if I were enough. If I were the only one in their eyes. If I were pretty enough or too fat. All of it infested my mind, as I’m a natural overthinker.
However, once one of my anxious thoughts are proven right, it feels like a million and ten knives stabbing me. I feel the glass ceiling crumbling down on me. The darkness and uncertainty becomes reality and consumes my mind and body. The hurt and betrayal just heighten the existing depression within. I cry until I’m numb. I ask myself, “Why did I take the risk? Why am I not enough? I will never be enough.”
It’s already hard battling the self-inflicting negatives thoughts and feelings, but when someone you love dearly inflicts it, it’s a different type of hurt. You start building walls between yourself and everyone because of the fear of getting hurt again. I never want to wish this upon anyone. You do not deserve to feel like you’re not enough. Hopefully, this rollercoaster will go up soon.