This year passed by too quick for me to remember any memorable highlights. Everything seems to be a blur. However, there were lots of changes compared to past years I’ve had.
I dedicated this year to myself. I gave myself permission to be a tad more selfish than normal, and I think it helped me grow into the person I am today. I can’t say that I’m exactly where I want to be, but it’s definitely better than the bad place I used to be in. Last year I was stuck in this depressive spiral with the belief of never escaping. Now, I’m still anxious about many things in life, but I feel more hopeful as the days go by.
I learned to not self-loathe anymore, but practice more self-compassion. I never believed that I deserved any happiness or joy because I’m not who I want to be. That’s pretty vague; I know. But I blamed myself for doing badly in college, which resulted to believe that I don’t deserve my dad’s love and acceptance. I blamed myself for the failing relationship I left. I felt neglected and unloved but told myself I curated it all in my head. I blamed myself for all the failures I’ve done at my job, and I beat myself up every day to become perfect to appease my boss. Regardless of any of this was mine’s or anyone else’s fault, I let it get to my head. The negative thoughts consumed my brain and took over my everyday living. I could’ve accepted being content on days, but I would remind myself that I can’t be happy because I’m still not doing anything better to help myself or family. It took me a long time to let a lot of these things go, but with a lot of help from my therapist, we’re slowly getting there.
I allowed myself to feel certain things. I told myself it was alright to get the tattoo I’ve always wanted. I didn’t go back to school so I can focus on myself and what I want to do. I spontaneously started this blog to write about how I think and feel, even though half of it is super random. I became a shift supervisor. I’ve never seen myself as a “leader.” I still don’t think I’m a great leader, but I’m still learning every day because I care about my partners as if they’re my family. I’ve got stepped on, yelled at, criticized, and I cried a few times, but I’m still here. Going through struggles and having fun with my partners out-wins all the stress.
I learned to sustain on my own. For almost my whole life, I depended on a lot of people. I depended on my parents for support and love. I depended on my past significant other for love, comfort, compassion, etc etc. I depend on my therapist to give me reassurance and advice. I depended on everyone else because I honestly don’t trust myself. I’m scared to be alone because when I’m stuck in my head, it’s mentally dangerous. However, after being let down too many times from my parents and significant other, I learned that I needed to be independent, and that’s okay.
I lost my mom completely to her illness, so I knew from the start that I couldn’t find love from her. I changed my focus to my dad and tried to do things to make him proud. I also learned the hard way that it won’t change how I feel. It broke me down, even more, trying to appease him. Even accomplishing one or two things for him, the expectations will never end. After moving in with my significant other, I thought to see him every day would fill a void that I had. The void just got bigger. I expected too much from him that he couldn’t offer, so in the end, I felt alone regardless.
After being stubborn as always, I decided to change things. I stopped doing what my dad wanted me to do. I did what I want to do, regardless if it was the right or wrong choice. I did it because I chose to do it.
I left the relationship to find myself and be by myself, to do things for myself. I’ve done a lot of things this year that I thought I would never do in my life. I thought 2017 was a stagnant point in my life, but it’s the beginning of changing myself.
Before writing this, I had a lot of anxiety. I had a lot of thoughts of the next year and where I want to be. I still have thoughts of going back to school or finding a better career. I have hopes bettering my writing and maybe create it to become something bigger. I want to try new things I’ve never tried before. I want to escape my comfort zone and discover new things.
People always say, “New year, New me,” but I’m aiming for a better me. A happier, content, joyful me. Even if 2018 ends up rough, it’ll be okay. I’m grateful to have a chance to make a better year for myself.