If dating apps were honest, they would have a review in the app store that states: ENROLL AT YOUR OWN RISK, APPROACH WITH CAUTION, App contains excessive nudity, creepy pick-up lines, potential murderers, and everyone is on here for pure entertainment.
Side Effects may include: Flu-like symptoms from inhaling so much Bullsh*t
Maybe you yourself haven’t experienced the horrors of online dating, maybe you or your peers have had exceptional experiences with online dating, but for those of you who have not, here are the top 10 men you will find online apps (according to actual findings):
1. The Possible killer
You’re swiping through his pics, he looks completely normal, sweet, and he loves harry potter, just like you. Then BAM, the hard evidence arises, a close up selfie of him dressed up like Michael Myers holding a giant butchers knife. Yes, this is real life. This guy exists. You’ve been warned. Someone please tell these men are looking for someone to report them for their excessive creepiness.
2. The ‘I’m not looking for anything serious guy’
His profile is strikingly interesting at first. As you continue to read on, you’re soon left with disappointment. “I love hiking, anything outdoors, a few cold brews on occasion, I work in finance, and I’m 28 years old. Not looking for anything serious, just a good time. Follow me on IG: #imabro Snapchat: #FBGM.”
If you don’t know what FBGM means, please Google it now, it’s an essential term when discussing the men you see online.
Disclaimer: Bro, this isn’t tinder, take your booty call profile elsewhere. And ladies, if this man is seen on tinder, you might as well accept the fact that most people are indeed just looking for a hookup here, there are far better online dating platforms.
3. The Serial Online Dater
You screen shot him & tell your friends about him “OMG his pictures are amazing, he has one with a puppy, a cute little baby, A BOAT OMG HE HAS A BOAT GUYS, TOTALLY SWIPING RIGHT NOW!” A picture with his mom (aww adorbs). Last but not least, the typical adventurous picture, deep in the middle of the Dead Sea on a huge ass yacht with a glass of wine in hand. Basically he is PERFECT, hits every nail on the head. This is the guy you SHOULD left swipe. Why? Because he’s a pro at this, he strategically planned out his profile to lure in his victims. He’s smooth. He is also not looking for anything serious. He will take you out on some expensive dates though. So use that sucker up. He clearly doesn’t mind. Just beware, do not let yourself get attached.
4. The Doctor
“Finishing undergrad then going to med school to be a doctor, when I’m not studying I enjoy some nice cold brews, working out and I’m super health conscious”.
What his profile should really say is “I’m on the path of being $200,000 in debt, living with my parents in the suburbs and milking them for all I can get until I graduate from undergrad and actually get accepted into Med School. I’m not a doctor yet, but by golly I will be one someday! Also, I get shitfaced on the weekends and eat a ton of pizza to help me de-stress from my Calc 3 courses.
5) The Body Builder/Cross fitter
“I love to work out 5 times a day, I meal prep every Sunday for the entire week, I eat 10,000 calories per day. If I’m not at the gym, you can find me at home working out to Richard Simons videos (HAHA, not only am I super fit & hot, I have a great sense of humor too), also only really attracted to girls who work out & stay fit, looking for my swolemate”. This guy is the definition of a bro. He isn’t looking for something real or genuine (perhaps some of you are). He is looking for the HOTTEST, MOST FIT, BEAUTIFUL girl he can find to show her off on his IG with his 15K + followers he has gathered for all the fitness hashtags he uses. #FITLIFE #LIFTHEAVYWEIGHTS #GAINZ
Someone who is genuinely looking for a connection does not care if you are not into working out. He surely does not need to specify he only likes girls who work out. A true connection comes from within. #DUHBRO.
6. The Up & Coming Rapper
“Up & coming rapper, loves writing lyrics, making music, CEO to INTUNEBEATSPRODUCTION. Always about the paper. Follow me on IG & check out my beats: #BESTRAPPERALIVEGETMONEY.” This happens all too frequently. Coming across the up & coming rappers.
We need you to cut the crap. It’s great you have dreams, but unless you have a record label in the making, tell us something about yourself other than you’re a CEO of your own “production company” that isn’t even trademarked. – From Concerned Women.
Let’s be brutally honest here, if you’re even considering swiping right, you‘re certainly not above the age of 21 and thinking realistically. You’re checking out his following game and seeing he has ALMOST 10K followers to determine if you should right swipe for that very reason. Only because you think you could potentially get famous if he does too.
Stay AWAY from these guys. They’re also not looking for a genuine connection. They are trying to gain as much of a following for their music as possible. Take that crap to hotnewhiphop.com people.
7. The ‘Smooth’ Talker
This guy slides in your messages with a supposedly witty comment.“That dress looks great, would look better on my floor though ;).”
Where are your morals good sir? Values? Common sense? No girl is going to respond to a disgusting message insinuating she should take her clothes off at the drop of the dime. When you don’t respond, this guy will drop the, “Oh, you don’t want to take your dress off? Whatever you’re not that cute anyways.”
If you were trying to be smooth, I would recommend never suggesting for a female to remove her clothes if you haven’t even met. Ladies, I think it’s pretty self-explanatory why you should avoid this man.
8. The Model/Actor
This guy is SUPER attractive. Beaming blue eyes. A six-pack for days. The PERFECT hair. PERFECT white teeth and his style is on point. His bio reads: Actor/Model with Ford with a ton of emojis “describing” himself, and of course his IG account, not included for creeping purposes, but instead to help him gain “followers” to kick off his modeling/acting career.
This is yet another guy you should avoid. If the only photos included in his profile are professional headshots, how can you even know if he is real? No one looks that great on an everyday basis. Unless of course you are Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Gosling, or the Franco brothers.
You get the picture. He isn’t looking for anything serious. He probably came across your feed because he is in town for a quick “photo shoot” and wants a “quickie.” Forget that beautiful face & nice six-pack, left swipe please.
9. The ‘Out of Towner’
“I travel a ton for work and only here for the next 3 days, looking for something fun to do in this city, let’s grab drinks”.
The out of towners are the ones you WISH lived in your city. They are a lot more attractive than most of the guys you have came across online (of course they don’t live in the same area). All they want from you is to accompany them to dinner/drinks paid by their company card, with hopes to take you back to their hotel. You will not wife this man up, left swipe immediately. The chances of you meeting a potential mate are slim to none with the out of towners.
Last but certainly not least, the final guy you will come across when online dating.
(Drum roll please)
10. The (potential) “One”
This is the guy who is truly looking to make a real connection. He skips the BS.He tells you a little bit about him. He tells you EXACTLY what he is looking to gain from online dating. He doesn’t request you to be fit. He doesn’t post his social media accounts looking for followers. He doesn’t brag about his career. He is looking for something real.
“Family first. Love sports, working out, cooking. NOT looking for a hook up, swipe left if you are. Looking for someone to share this awesome life with & truly connect, no games please”.
Maybe he is not the most attractive guy you have came across online. Maybe he isn’t a model, or dr, or finance guy. Maybe, just maybe, this guy could be the ONE. Message him back. Give him a chance to take you out. You never know just how great something can be until you TRY.
If you always go for the same type of men you have always gone for, you will never know what it could be like with the one you didn’t give a chance too. Out of respect for yourself and all ladies online dating, please, please, please, swipe right and give this man a chance. This will be one online date you won’t regret.