You took me by surprise, coming into my life at a time when I was still learning to love myself. At first you were sweet, thoughtful, spontaneous and always bringing out the best in me. I felt as if I were finally regaining my happiness back and then you re-broke my already damaged heart (so I thought).
They say you should never rely on an individual to bring you happiness in the first place, but hey I’m human, I was blinded.
You convinced me I was what you wanted, that I was “perfect” for you. In such a short amount of time, I opened up to you, after years of being closed off to anyone who tried to get in. I was vulnerable. Ready to let you in, ready to speak upon my feelings of sadness and heartbreak from the past, but then my world was again temporarily shattered.
I say temporarily because the heartbreak is never permanent.
Time certainly heals all wounds. I thought I did everything right, for a matter of fact, I know I did everything right. You said so yourself, the moment you let me go. Countless nights of loosing sleep left me feeling rejected, unwanted, like the end of us was my fault. I replayed the way you broke my heart over and over in my head trying to understand where things went wrong. I never understood, until now.
Things didn’t go wrong; they were actually never going right from the beginning. We skipped the honeymoon phase & went straight to the wedding. We got so comfortable together because you too, were damaged from the past. Looking back, I know you weren’t ready for me because you were still healing yourself. I could see it, but sometimes the heart tends to ignore what your head is trying to tell you.
I wanted so badly for you to want me again, to make me feel happy again, to be the person I thought I needed to feel whole again. Now I see, I didn’t need you; I wanted someone to set me free from the things I kept bottled up inside. I just needed you to be the one to finally get me to open up again, to realize I needed to let go of my past. It was time to stop being bitter & to finally learn to love myself again.
You may not have been ready for me, but I on the other hand, was more than ready for you. Not in the sense of being ready for you to be the one, but ready for the wake up call that you brought to me. I needed someone like you to come into my life. I prayed for you for years. See, you served a deeper purpose in my life than you will ever know. It took me some time to realize that.
I confused you letting me go for breaking my heart, but really you helped me make it whole again.
Since you said those words, “I’m not ready for you”, great things have happened to me. I have finally let go of my hurtful past. I made amends with those who have hurt me and forgave them for doing so. I have apologized to the ones I have hurt, that never got an apology from me. I have opened up to those around me; I speak my mind and never hold back my thoughts and feelings. I finally tell people what I want. I tell people what I need, and I don’t hold back out of fear of rejection. Most importantly, I have realized that I am enough for me. I am healed and I love myself again.
Every flaw, every being of me, I love unconditionally. One day I can share that love with the one who is ready for me.
It’s OK that you were not ready for me, but I hope that you will be ready for the day that someone else is not ready for you. You will feel betrayed, hurt and question what you did wrong. If I know you well enough, I know you will blame yourself. Go ahead blame yourself, get sad, angry and question what you did. These are normal feelings of thinking it is your fault for not being “good enough”.
These feelings will soon dissolve. One day you will finally wake up and see that you will now be ready to let go of your past too. You will realize you needed to learn to love yourself first before you could share your love with anyone else. You will be honest about your feelings, you will tell people what you want, what you need and you won’t be afraid of rejection. You won’t unknowingly hurt someone else because you now know what it feels like to hear those 4 words.
When the storm settles, and you make peace with yourself, you will finally know how it felt to be in my position. You will finally understand why I was so hurt; why I never understood how I could do everything right and it just wasn’t good enough for you. I hope you make amends with the ones you have hurt and I hope I get the sincere apology that I never got. I want you to know, I’m thankful that you came into my life. I do not hold a grudge against you and I will always hold a special place for you in my heart.
As crazy as it may sound, I’m happy you weren’t ready for me. I’m happy you left me without explanation because you gave me the greatest gift of all, Love for myself.