5 Statements Unemployed Postgrads Make That Fall Flat By Mid-Summer

1. “I’m going to read so many books this summer.”

You may not have a job, but it’s okay because you’re going to read so many novels of all sorts. A novel a week is the big goal. You’ll treat yourself with some top-sellers in fiction, but definitely read a few classics, and a biography on someone you admire so very much. By mid-July? You’ve read one book, and you can bet your ass it was the fiction choice. Gone Girl, anyone?

2. “I may not have a job secured yet, but I’m going to apply to at least one job every day.”

BUT, you JUST graduated so you really need to take a well-deserved break after all that half-assed hard work you did during finals, after getting no sleep due to staying up and drinking during senior week, and after the hangovers during early morning graduation ceremonies sheer stress of graduation. And since it’s such an accomplishment that you graduated, you must celebrate with a deserved Euro Trip and/or beach vacation. Ireland for two and a half weeks enriching myself in my family’s culture i.e drinking a lot and further exhausting myself as opposed to taking a relaxing, recovering trip. And after weeks of vacation, you will sit down and search for jobs…once a week…if that. And if they require a cover letter? Forget about it, you didn’t really want it anyway.

3. “I may not be working, but I’m totally going to learn a new skill to make myself more marketable.”

Yes, that would be the smart thing to do. Coding, another language, an instrument, some fancy business software. Wait, it’s July already? How’s that professional Twitter account coming along? I haven’t Tweeted in a week. How’s your Arabic? Fluent enough for the FBI yet?

4. “I’m going to make dinner for my family every night…so I don’t feel bad about living off them for even longer than I already have.”

You totally had the best intentions of trying out every one of the recipes you pinned into your “Family Dinners” Pinterest folder but after all those long, hard days of watching Netflix seasons from start to finish (all 6 available seasons of Parks and Recreation) you just don’t have it in you to slave over the stove for a home-cooked meal. And when you finally do cook (once: Chicken Curry) it’s only because you were craving it, Mom was not going to make it for you, and you’re depressed that you’ve finished your most recent TV binge.

5. “I may as well take advantage of this free time before the real world and do all the fun things that my heart desires.”

Go to the beach for a weekend? Great idea. Buy last minute tickets for a spontaneous concert with friends? Rock on. Road trip it across America? How patriotic of you. Wait, that shit costs money? Oh wait, I’m poor because I just spent all of my money during my last weeks in college and during my Euro Trip and I am unemployed until God knows when. Pretty soon those fun trips turn into another series on Netflix, complaining about the inflation on your favorite Sushi order, and mooching off of your parents liquor cabinet.