8 Signs It’s PMS And Not A Worrisome New Mental Illness

1. Overnight, everyone in your life — everyone on Facebook, everyone in your office, all of your friends and lovers — has turned into a ginormous asshole. You used to love these people, or at least like them, right? Why are they suddenly challenging every word that comes out of your mouth and condescending to you? Why is their laughter so grating? Why would they go get Diet Coke for themselves and not offer to get you one when they KNOW you are wearing pinchy shoes and thus restricting walking activity? And what the f-ck that did that email mean? “Sorry, I can’t.” YOU COULD IF YOU HAD A SMIDGEN OF COMMON HUMAN DECENCY, YOU SH-TBRAINED ASSFACE HATER.

2. You are way uglier than you were last week. My god. It’s a wonder the mirror hasn’t cracked. What is that growth on your face? Probably some new kind of cancer that will kill you. That will show those assholes. But no wonder they hate you all of a sudden, because you are hideous. Applying mascara has ruined your appetite for breakfast, because your face is so… so… ugh.

3. You leave more than one meeting choking back tears — before noon. Why won’t people LISTEN to you? Why can’t they respect your professional EXPERTISE? Clearly, this is personal. And your boss is looking at that thing on your face. Yeah, I got your timeline of project deliverables right here, motherf-cker. Get over here and suck it, you think to yourself, seething.Also, these are accomplished people — why are they so unutterably, embarrassingly stupid? And since when do stupid people talk down to you? It’s because they think YOU’RE stupid. Oh my god, you’re stupid. You will never amount to anything. Sob.

4. The fat and calorie content of certain foods is a deeply private affront. God knows you need a candy bar. And a bag of chips. You need to sit alone in a room and eat them and lick the salt and chocolate off your fingers, maybe wash it down with a non-Diet Coke THAT YOU HAD TO GET YOURSELF, because people are so thoughtless. The universe wants you to have this restorative snack, but the universe has made this food fattening and unhealthy. Why? Because the universe hates you. Glare at the girl in the office around the corner, eating an apple like some kind of goddamn saint. She probably has a savings account, too. Ass. Hole.

5. Your stomach hurts. It’s probably an ulcer from dealing with all of these rude, thoughtless, terrible people all day, with their talking and asking questions and WANTING things from you. Awesome, they’ve given you an ulcer. Happy now? And your pants are too tight — acid build-up, no doubt. Probably no one will even send you flowers when you are recovering from ulcer surgery, because everyone you know is fundamentally selfish, when you have always strived to be kind. Fine thanks you get for that.

6. You decide it’s time to cull the wheat from the chaff. After unfriending several callous, ignorant racists you knew in high school for DARING to criticize President Obama on Facebook, you decide that this situation with that one person not meeting your needs has gone on for way too long. Tears pricking your eyes, you begin drafting a righteous yet measured email laying out all of this person’s faults and the myriad ways s/he (Who are we kidding? He.) has hurt you. When I asked you to rub my head the other day, you did it way too hard, you type, sniffling. It couldn’t be more clear that you don’t really love me, or you would have known that I needed you to do it more softly. I love you very much, but I’m sure you can see that incidents like this make it impossible…

7. Your reactions are slightly exaggerated. You are texting your sister to let her know that the world has turned completely to sh-t and ruin, and autocorrect insists on turning “crankiest” into “craziest” over and over again. In a cold, boiling fury after backspacing it out for the fourth time, you throw your phone against the wall, shattering the case, and burst into tears at the thought of cleaning it up. F-ck you, Swype, and f-ck you too, Android. I’LL SHOW YOU CRAZY.

8. You start your period. Oh. That. Has it been….? Yeah, looks like it has. Well. Time flies. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

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  • Guest

    Haha. This JUST happened today :) 

  • Jessica

    oh my god. i’m not embarrassed to admit how relatable this is. and hilarious.

  • http://artfeedsmia.blogspot.com/ mia nguyen

    Every single time. 

  • Ally M

    I love this in so many ways. It’s been awhile since I’ve laughed throughout an entire article. You forgot to mention how rewatching old tv eps or movies can send you into a tailspin of mourning and depression when that character dies…AGAIN! God dammit, Rose! You said you wouldn’t let go!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002598124977 Traci Livinlovinlaughin Herbst

    It feels like this is every week…but #8 yes time flies. And then I feel JUSTIFIED in all my awful feelings and behaviors. It’s so awful! lmao

  • Anonymous

    Yup.. Story of my life..

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=30502597 Melissa Osorio

    Ugh, this was totally ME yesterday : (

  • missy

    lol. so true.

  • Leah

    PMS: A woman’s excuse to act like a bitch and stop being a rational adult every 3 weeks, and a men’s excuse to emotionally discredit women everywhere! It’s a real win-win for gender roles!

    • Amber

      Except most rational adult women don’t use PMS as an excuse for anything, but okay. 

      • really?

        Not an excuse for breaking out, or feeling emotional, or wanting chocolate? Nothing? Your ovaries must be more rational and adult than mine.

    • Itreallydoes

      Gender Studies: Ignoring the real physical and emotional effects of PMS because progress!

    • Star Jonestown

      Men…  always trying to ’emotionally discredit’ women…  

      Um, men have never ever ever ever ever heard of such a thing as ’emotional discrediting’.  So there’s that.  Women FTW.  

    • guest

      wow, we can’t just laugh about it?

  • A.

    This is the most relatable thing I’ve read in a while… Ha! For the part “You leave more than one meeting choking back tears — before noon” I think it is safe to add, “and you go home to watch The Notebook/Titanic/Up just to cry during the sad parts.” 
    Being a girl is complicated.

  • _db

    HAHA the mirror thing is so sad but true. 

  • Abc123

    None of this!

    • http://twitter.com/HeyYoBecky Becky Jane

      It’s obvious from your picture that you’re a boy.

  • btst

    HAHAHAHA oh god, this is my frigging life… I completely loathe that number 8 day when it starts, then I  join the dots and feel so completely silly, like “damn you ovaries for having such control over my emotions!”
    every.single.month

  • Sweetpea9852

    true story.

  • http://twitter.com/LeelaChrista Miss Navarro

    YESSSSSS~~~~

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1238320658 Shemus O'Flahherty Finchbergse

    that explains why I ran out of my flat at 10;45 pm to grab a bag of chips and dip last night! Oh Ovaries…if only you texted instead!

  • Domino

    couldn’t have come with better timing. no. 2 is very me this morning… “why do i even bother to put make-up on? i’ll just look disgusting with a caked-on face anyway. and why the fuck did i have to get a fucking pimple right on my fucking chin? fuck this” 

  • Sakshi k

    i need to keep a tab on my moods and movemnts to agree in majority.. all i know,right now  is that it pains like shit and no one gets me a diet coke.

  • Marta

     Sad, but true.

  • Sineadjephson

    This is me this past week. The thing is I actually think I’m in the right frame of mind un-till I get my period and realize I’ve been acting like a total nut job for the past 48hours, and then wonder why I couldn’t identify I was going crazy due to PMS.
    This month however I got angry, for no reason and yelled at a man on the walk way saying “It’s a F@#ing walk way, not a Stand in my way!!” He got a bit of a fright while I stormed off over the street yelling “I’m so angry!” and thinking this must be what it feels like to be the hulk, as I’d watch the Avengers the day before.

       

  • Shatha H.

    tmi…seriously!

  • cait

    omg scary how much I relate to all of this. Sometimes during my period I get really paranoid about people. Like whaat he hasnt texted me back and it has been 3 WHOLE MINUTES

  • http://organicallymo.blogspot.com/ Maureen

    I’m in tears.  Not because of PMS, because this was hilarious!  I also need to add the barely controllable urge to gouge people’s eyes out due to #1.

  • Jenny

    oh my gosh.. this is so me.. 

    and i get mad at the sun, too.. “why the hell is it so bright??” irrational anger ftw. 

  • woah

    SO TRUE
    so darn true

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