1. Overnight, everyone in your life — everyone on Facebook, everyone in your office, all of your friends and lovers — has turned into a ginormous asshole. You used to love these people, or at least like them, right? Why are they suddenly challenging every word that comes out of your mouth and condescending to you? Why is their laughter so grating? Why would they go get Diet Coke for themselves and not offer to get you one when they KNOW you are wearing pinchy shoes and thus restricting walking activity? And what the f-ck that did that email mean? “Sorry, I can’t.” YOU COULD IF YOU HAD A SMIDGEN OF COMMON HUMAN DECENCY, YOU SH-TBRAINED ASSFACE HATER.
2. You are way uglier than you were last week. My god. It’s a wonder the mirror hasn’t cracked. What is that growth on your face? Probably some new kind of cancer that will kill you. That will show those assholes. But no wonder they hate you all of a sudden, because you are hideous. Applying mascara has ruined your appetite for breakfast, because your face is so… so… ugh.
3. You leave more than one meeting choking back tears — before noon. Why won’t people LISTEN to you? Why can’t they respect your professional EXPERTISE? Clearly, this is personal. And your boss is looking at that thing on your face. Yeah, I got your timeline of project deliverables right here, motherf-cker. Get over here and suck it, you think to yourself, seething.Also, these are accomplished people — why are they so unutterably, embarrassingly stupid? And since when do stupid people talk down to you? It’s because they think YOU’RE stupid. Oh my god, you’re stupid. You will never amount to anything. Sob.
4. The fat and calorie content of certain foods is a deeply private affront. God knows you need a candy bar. And a bag of chips. You need to sit alone in a room and eat them and lick the salt and chocolate off your fingers, maybe wash it down with a non-Diet Coke THAT YOU HAD TO GET YOURSELF, because people are so thoughtless. The universe wants you to have this restorative snack, but the universe has made this food fattening and unhealthy. Why? Because the universe hates you. Glare at the girl in the office around the corner, eating an apple like some kind of goddamn saint. She probably has a savings account, too. Ass. Hole.
5. Your stomach hurts. It’s probably an ulcer from dealing with all of these rude, thoughtless, terrible people all day, with their talking and asking questions and WANTING things from you. Awesome, they’ve given you an ulcer. Happy now? And your pants are too tight — acid build-up, no doubt. Probably no one will even send you flowers when you are recovering from ulcer surgery, because everyone you know is fundamentally selfish, when you have always strived to be kind. Fine thanks you get for that.
6. You decide it’s time to cull the wheat from the chaff. After unfriending several callous, ignorant racists you knew in high school for DARING to criticize President Obama on Facebook, you decide that this situation with that one person not meeting your needs has gone on for way too long. Tears pricking your eyes, you begin drafting a righteous yet measured email laying out all of this person’s faults and the myriad ways s/he (Who are we kidding? He.) has hurt you. When I asked you to rub my head the other day, you did it way too hard, you type, sniffling. It couldn’t be more clear that you don’t really love me, or you would have known that I needed you to do it more softly. I love you very much, but I’m sure you can see that incidents like this make it impossible…
7. Your reactions are slightly exaggerated. You are texting your sister to let her know that the world has turned completely to sh-t and ruin, and autocorrect insists on turning “crankiest” into “craziest” over and over again. In a cold, boiling fury after backspacing it out for the fourth time, you throw your phone against the wall, shattering the case, and burst into tears at the thought of cleaning it up. F-ck you, Swype, and f-ck you too, Android. I’LL SHOW YOU CRAZY.
8. You start your period. Oh. That. Has it been….? Yeah, looks like it has. Well. Time flies.