Thought Catalog

Geographic Cure

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Lying in bed last night, sleepless again despite a purloined Sonata, I started fantasizing about different jobs. This is a sign of stress for sure; I’ve been both indulging in escapist fantasies and taking what I think of as flight naps, where I fall deeply and profoundly asleep purely to avoid the noise in my head. I always have complex, wandering dreams, at least one of which involves me needing urgently to wake up and being unable to do so. Yesterday when my alarm went off, I was so incredibly tired it felt as though my head were literally filled with sand, too heavy to lift. I called off work and spent the day feeling hot and guilty, and hence, the night tossing and turning and imagining alternate realities for myself where I had a new job, a new schedule, a clean slate. Maybe under different circumstances I could be a better kind of person, one who balances her checkbook and takes her meds and works diligently at all times instead of trying to gauge how much is enough to get by. One who draws a line and cleaves to it, even if the line leaves me and my self-worth lonely on one side and the object of my desire on the other.

The geographic cure is so tempting. Who would I be in Brooklyn, in New Orleans, in Galway or Madison or back behind the bar? Freelancing? Would I be thinner, more self-confident, better pedigreed, the kind of person who spent 20 minutes on her hair every morning? Would I be less the kind of person who can spend the day staring at the ceiling and not feel as though I’ve missed a thing? And if I were that person, what would I lose? What ineffable me-ness would be snuffed out, and who would know but me?

Maybe what I need is a temporal cure. To be me again at 21, and get out of bed and find some help and graduate. Or me again at 14, and not skip school and smoke my first cigarette. Me at 23, to keep my hand from blocking my lover’s lips when he said I think I’m falling in love with you. Thirty-year-old me, who gave up a growing freelance business for the velvet handcuffs of health insurance and a 401(k). Freshman year me, who maxed out her first credit card on Christmas gifts and Thai food and never paid it off. Every day me, who eats pasta and watches Treme instead of going to the gym. Who browses classes online–improv, Spanish, creative nonfiction–and fritters the registration fee money away elsewhere every time. Who started a blog instead of kickstarting her life.

I tell myself, the world does not owe you happiness and health and success. You have to reach out and grab for it. What you have is a gift any sane person would thank the heavens for every day. Once I waitressed 70 hours a week in a trashy marina bar situated in a trailer park in central Ohio, and but for grace that could have been my whole life. One summer I worked the midnight shift in a junk mail factory in an industrial park, shimmying paper off the conveyor belts until it cut through the duct tape I’d wrapped protectively around my hands to slash my palms anew. But for chance I could be there still, my jaws aching from the gum I frenetically chewed to stay awake. When I was 17, I thought I was pregnant by a long-haired boy who drove a fast car, and I would have had that baby. What regrets would I have then? Would I ever miss the New Yorker, or Ethiopian food, or the version of me that knows enough to know what she is missing?

I think I was that girl even then, that I would be her no matter where I was, but I can’t remember. Young me shimmers just out of focus, amorphous. I should forgive her, I know, absolve her of responsibility for mistakes she didn’t know she was making and thank her for the chances she took that delivered me here. If only I were the kind of person who discerned the path easily, who stepped nimbly ahead instead of longing for what might be along a different route. If I’d taken myself in hand, loved myself a little more, given myself the leeway I gladly cede to those around me, who might I have become?

Who would I be if I did that now? TC mark

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More From Thought Catalog

  • http://twitter.com/Amphx AnnamariaPhilippeaux

    Breathtaking. 

  • Guest

    I can tell you exactly who you’d be in Madison-someone who is drunk. Hey-oh!

    • true story

      and eating cheese curds.

  • guest

    love the galway reference.

  • Anonymous

    i really like this

  • Caroline

    I feel exactly the same way.  I’m caught in velvet handcuffs too.

    I love your writing.  Maybe pick up freelancing again for a while?

  • Hannah Levin

    “I tell myself, the world does not owe you happiness and health and success. You have to reach out and grab for it.” wonderfully put, this is the epitome of my life 

  • vuico

    you are me.

  • jj12tren

    words of truth.

  • InNines

    This is amazing- I want to read it a thousand times over.

  • http://lostfoundmind.wordpress.com/ Scarlett

     I loved this!

     I am 20 and in a way thinking about similar things, only the other way around.  I graduate at the end of this year and feel I have so many options both con- and/or de- structive. I see that whatever I do will make me. I just want to be reasonably happy and not lonely, I want to be a good person.

    • guest

      I was in the same boat until very recently (and I graduated three years ago). I have finally found what I want to do professionally. After that, I think everything will fall into place. Take a chance, go back to school (what I will do in the fall). If you have a romantic partner holding you back, don’t let them. I did and I regretted it, I gave up an experience/opportunity I no longer have the option of taking. If they are meant for you, you will find your way back to each other (another lesson I’ve learned). If you are having trouble figuring out just what you want to do, try meditation and yoga. The answers won’t be immediate, but they will reveal themselves with time. Good luck to you!

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    This causes me to think about my past, my future, but most importantly, my present.
    I am 18, but already I feel many regrets that I should not feel.
    There is a quote by Arnold Bennett that is one of my favorites, 
    “The real tragedy is the tragedy of the man who never in his life braces himself for his one supreme effort, who never stretches to his full capacity, never stands up to his full stature”

    Great article for thought.

  • http://twitter.com/mikatesalona mika tesalona

    thank you. this is beautiful. <3

  • Vega2332

    This was a great article, however it made me sad since it hit close to home. Usually when things get tough I think of just moving somewhere else and starting over. I always wanted to go to Boston but when I finally did I realized my troubles bought plane tickets as well. =/

  • http://fornownotlater.tumblr.com/ Tracey

    I needed this.

  • http://twitter.com/SoosSahar ..

    you really are my favorite TC female writer, I, in a way, relate to everything you write. And this is really really good. 

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