1. On a scale of 1-10, how frightened are you of commitment?
2. Oh really? And that’s why you’re still single/ divorced?
3. Complete the following sentence: When I think of my most significant past relationship, I…
a) masturbate furiously.
b) stalk him/ her via every available social media outlet.
c) pour a drink and toast to old times.
d) regret that I have held on to my virginity this long.
4. How many pills do you take every day?
5. How many of them are prescribed to treat psychiatric issues?
6. Do you have herpes?
7. No, seriously, do you?
8. Do you have a job?
9. Is your pubic hair grey? (Note: This is not a dealbreaker. I just want to be ready.)
10. True or false: I have sexual, um, preferences that have been an issue in prior relationships.
11. How much money are you willing to spend to pursue fertility treatments should this date lead to a relationship and subsequent domestic partnership?
a) Zero — if I wanted kids I’d have gotten married 10 years ago. Duh.
b) MY gametes are fine. This sounds like a you problem.
c) Up to $15,000.
d) I already have kids, and if you don’t, well, sucks to be you.
12. Have you ever surreptitiously looked at your lover’s email/ text messages/ Facebook account and not immediately died of shame for being such a terrible person?
13. What do you think is a reasonable time span between a first date and cohabitation?
a) 2 weeks. This is a gay dating quiz, right?
b) 2 weeks. Did I mention that my last significant other said I was codependent?
c) 6 months
d) 1 year
e) I will use my trumped-up fear of becoming bourgeois to avoid this indefinitely.
14. Please check each phrase that has been shouted at you by a former lover, even if you feel that it was totally unjustified. (I believe you; s/he is/was crazy!)
a) “You are such a child!”
b) “You will never get over your daddy/mommy issues!”
c) “You are a cheating piece of sh-t!”
d) “You are a pathological liar!”
e) “You are still hung up on your ex!”
f) “You gave me (insert sexually transmitted infection here)!
g) “I swear to god I’m calling 911!”
15. Complete this sentence: The number one reason I am still single is:
a) I live with my mom/ more than one cat.
b) I have been incarcerated for a while.
c) Everyone I’ve ever dated has been totally insane and dysfunctional. I don’t know where I keep finding these people!
d) I just haven’t met you yet.