Today I had six or seven bottles of Heineken. Actually (don’t judge), I lost count. At this moment, I feel like my use of the English language is absolutely impeccable, but who knows? As soon as I finish writing I plan to eat some Taco Bell, sober up, and proof read this list of the five reasons it’s definitely worth drinking excessively with a lady.
1. Everything you do will seem hilarious to them.
Women enjoy a man who has a good sense of humor. And trust me, after a few drinks, everything you say to her will seem funny. EVen: “Babes…guess what?…I can’t find my wallet…” For a long time, I honestly thought that “Gangnam Style” was the stupidest song I’d ever heard. But a few months ago I was at an all-you-can-drink party, and several drinks in I realized that I knew all the words to the song. Suddenly, I found myself in the middle of the dance floor, hopping around like a f*cking idiot and singing “woop woop woop woop woop gangnam style!” much to the delight of the women surrounding me.
2. The sex will seem awesome (even if it isn’t).
Fact: When you’re both sober, the bed makes a little squeaky sound. When you’ve had a few drinks, on the other hand, all you can hear is BAM BAM BAM!
3. You’ll be more romantic.
Once, while drunk, I jumped over my neighbor’s house and picked a hibiscus from the garden for my lady. I was so caught up in giving her a flower that I forgot about the Rottweiler. I’m not sure why he did not attack me, but perhaps everyone—even the meanest mutt—loves a fun drunk person. A few drinks in, you won’t justify your insecurities by telling your lady, “I don’t do PDA.” She’s not asking you to passionately make love to her on the pedestrian crossing, you’ll reason. She just wants you to hold her hand in public or feel your arms around her at a concert. Alcohol will let you forget about what other people think so you can let down your guard and show some affection for once!
4. You’re more likely to leave the toilet seat down.
If you drink enough liquor, you’re more likely to leave the toilet seat down. This will make your woman happy, as long as you don’t get urine (or, heave forbid, vomit) all over the seat from misfiring, of course. For years, men have struggled to remember to put the seat back down. We don’t think it’s a big deal, but it annoys the hell out of most women.
5. You’ll be more spontaneous.
After a few drinks, any destination seems like it’s five minutes away and affordable. Women like to have a good time and life is too short to be watching Everybody loves Raymond on TV every night. So let yourself get drunk and get out of the house!
Disclaimer: This article is not meant to be taken out of context. I try to be creative and bring across important messages in unique ways. This article is not about drinking and behaving recklessly. It’s about making your girl laugh, leaving the toilet seat down, being romantic, having great sex and being spontaneous. Simple things that you should do to keep her happy.