9 Levels Of Drunk Based On The Things You Lose

Graphic by Alannah McNally
Graphic by Alannah McNally

1. Losing Your Texting Abilities.
A real DUI test would be having people type up their Miranda Rights in a text with less than 5 typos. The ability to text is one of the first things alcohol eliminates.

2. Losing Your Lunch.
Puking happens often to some, but to others it’s a rare occurrence. Whatever the case, if you’re vomiting up a meal you ate early, you’ve reached another level of drunk.

3. Losing Your Debit Card.
Typically this means you opened a tab and forgot to close it and retrieve your card, or you were simply being careless and misplaced it somewhere. This level of drunk requires a special code to be reached — for most people that code is tequila.

4. Losing Your Wallet/Purse.
A debit card is one thing, but to misplace the holder of several crucial belongings? Think about how much you hate going to the DMV for a new license. You were so drunk that your brain disregarded any DMV hate and left your ID, along with other things, for whatever Intoxicated You found more interesting at the time.

5. Losing Your Friends.
Where are all of your friends? If you don’t know, it’s probably your fault. Usually it’s the drunken explorer who wanders away from their squad with a dead phone battery and no smoke signals, flares, or ways to be tracked down.

6. Losing Your Friendships.
There’s a massive jump in the level of inebriation from losing track of friends temporarily to losing actual friendships. This is the stuff Facebook fights the day after a night out are made of.

7. Losing Your Dignity.
Sure you can lose your dignity whilst in the process of doing these other things, but let’s list it as a separate level to cover the miscellaneous dignity losing drunk things, like getting arrested for peeing in an alley, or dancing on top of something in public.

8. Losing A Fistfight.
Getting in a physical fight instead of using your words like a grown up is humiliating in itself – but then to lose it as well? This level of drunkenness might earn you a shining moment when the video of your ass getting whooped goes viral online.

9. Losing Any Memory Of The Night.
When all of the files are deleted and you have no recollection of what happened, that’s the highest, and perhaps scariest level of drunk (aside from ~ d E a T h~). TC mark


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