1. “I have no filter.”
You ain’t BRITA®, you don’t need a filter, you have a brain. This translates to “I’m going to say a lot of rude, socially unacceptable things because I choose to be impolite. Also, I’d like to vindicate that by comparing my decision to ignore being well aware that my thoughts are rude as I verbalize them, to water being sifted through activated charcoal particles and ion exchange resin beads for purification.”
2. “I’m only human.”
Only human? ONLY HUMAN? Being human and having a brain capable of grasping the difference between being crappy and being not crappy seems like a pretty good reason to be not crappy. I mean, sometimes dogs do terrible things, but if afterwards they were to say “Sorry, my bad, I’m only dog!” we’d understand. Of course dogs can’t say that because they’re not “only humans” and they don’t have the ability to form sentences, speak, or consistently identify when they’re doing a bad thing, like we do.
3. “Nobody is perfect.”
Technically this is true because historically nobody has a scot-free track record of perfection sustained throughout their entire existence. That being said, this is the argument of crappy-behavior-justifying folks. There are a lot of things that “nobody is.” Nobody is immortal. Nobody is blanket. Nobody is candle. Nobody is lamp. See? All of those are as relevant as pointing out the fact that nobody is flawless when you know darn well you ya dun goofed. Own it.
4. “I’m a free spirit.”
This is the person you don’t rely on for anything. Sign a lease with ‘em? They’ll tell you they’re moving out to go couch surfing around the country with six months left. Go out to a bar with ‘em? They’ll wander off with all of your belongings in their car and leave you because they met someone interesting and just went with it. Then, when you confront this person because you’re upset with their selfishness, they’ll attempt to brush it off as a fun, spontaneous, adorably irresponsible hippie type deal.
5. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
If you’re crappy 90% of the time, there’s no chance that your “best” can compensate for your worst enough to be worthwhile. The notion that anyone is entitled to someone enduring their awfulness if they want their not-demon-possessed side as well is preposterous.
6. “Well, you know how I am.”
Is there a bigger F-U in the world of justifying being a scumbag than these condescending words? It’s almost like the person is irritated at you for being put off by their actions, and they hit you with this. It’s pretty much an I-don’t-care-shrug in word form. If a garbage can became self aware and could speak, the first thing it’d probably say would be “I reek of pungent garbage y’all, but you know how I am.”
7. “Boys will be boys/girls will be girls.”
Awful excuses for being awful will be awful.