Level 1: Posting Your Fortune Cookie’s Wisdom
Honestly we’re more interested in a shot of the General Tso’s chicken and mountain of steamed rice that came before the fortune.
Level 2: The Filter & Visual Support.
You can pretty much put any combination of words on top of a sunset, covered in a fancy, hue-changing filter, and it’ll seem significantly more profound. It automatically looks cooler. It’s like a leather jacket for words.
Level 3: Jaden Smith’s Twitter Account
It’s One Thing To Follow And Retweet Jaden Ironically, But To Put Significant Merit In Young Jaden’s Tweets Is Its Own Level Of Fake Deep.
Level 4: Using The Phrase “Open your eyes.”
What kind of condescending suggestion is this? Add “people” for maximum smugness. Nothing like a solid “Open your eyes, people.” to really drive home those patronizing tones.
Level 5: Putting A Quote Under A Basic Selfie.
A photo of a face, no matter how aesthetically pleasing, isn’t worthy of a philosophical statement under it. Congrats though, on somehow managing to be shallow and deep at the same time.
Level 6: Criticizing Others’ Use Of Social Media In A Post On Social Media
Everyone is currently being consumed by their digital lives? Word? Well, it’s a safe bet that you didn’t post that from out in the wilderness, using sticks and stones, so stop swimming in the fake deep end of your oh-so insightful pool.
Level 7: Famous People Who Think Being Good At Music Or Acting Qualifies Them To Pretentiously Give Advice
Apparently selling records gives folks the confidence to rant about various topics, which is fine, but also it’s often a bunch of rubbish ranting. Prime example — Tyrese, who puts out attempts at inspirational videos that give off a very poor man’s Will Smith vibe.
Level 8: Posing For A Photo With Your Back To The Camera As You Stare Off Into The Distance
The person is always intensely gazing off, as they stand atop a mountain, or on the shore of the beautiful ocean, leeching on a scenic spectacle created by Mother Nature for some Instagram likes. These photos are equal parts fake deep and cornball.
Level 9: Always Assuming The Things You Like That Other People Don’t Enjoy Is A Result Of Those People Being Unable To Comprehend The Artistic Value Of What They’re Seeing/Hearing.
If you don’t care for a Childish Gambino video that I love, I respect it. However, you should brace yourself for some backlash from other fans, who’ll insist you can’t wrap your simple mind around the astonishingly deep concepts.
Level 10: Reaching Really Hard To Make A National Tragedy About Yourself
WHAT? Two planes collided in New Mexico and 167 people died? I’ve been on a plane before – several, actually, and I always have a fear of that happening to me. I wonder if my anxieties were because somehow, subconsciously I knew this accident was going to happen. Maybe our irrational fears are premonitions of some other poor soul’s fate. I don’t know how I’ll ever muster up the courage to fly again… Oh yeah, RIP to the dead people or whatever.