AUTOPSY PERFORMED AND AUTHORIZED BY:
Kristen J’s BFF, Olivia Megan Gallagher.
LITERALLY DEAD IDENTIFIED BY:
Numerous Tweets from her personal account confirming that she was in fact “literally dying.”
Race: A quarter Cherokee, some German, some French, some Italian. Also mostly just white.
Length: 64 inches
Weight: OMG, rude!
Eyes: They’re mad green and I’m so jealous because mine are so dark brown and boring, ugh!
Eyebrows: On fleek.
Hair: Brown with bangs. She’s so brave, I could never, but she’s SLAAAAYING.
Body temperature: No chill.
Aware of the word literally‘s actual definition before literal death?: Can you just not right now with all the questions?
CLOTHING WORN AT TIME OF LITERAL DEATH:
1. A super cute black cardigan from H&M.
2. A Fruit Of The Loom white V-neck shirt.
3. Blue Levi’s jeans.
4. A black leather belt from Forever 21.
5. Black knee high boots, but like, tbh I don’t want to say where they’re from because lurker betches will jock the literally deceased’s style.
Well developed, well-nourished Caucasian woman, with no visible physical evidence of literally dying. There are some tattoos – one on the right forearm, a pair of lips, the other on the left ankle, an infinity sign. Her fingernails have a funky looking manicure, but it’s actually low-key dope. Haters will hate on her look and vibe, but she’s killin’ it.
Um, she has an ex named Jordan, and an ex named Stephen, and an ex named Brian, and an ex named Jerry, but I don’t think she ever dated any Rays.
Is that the song by System of a Down? No, she’s not into that.
LITERAL MEDICAL HISTORY:
1. Felt “so f’n done” February 14, 2014, when her boyfriend forgot to make Valentine’s Day plans. Well, it wasn’t like her official boyfriend, but they had been talking talking for a few weeks, so he definitely should’ve done something special. Like, c’mon.
2. Literally couldn’t even on September 1, 2014 when parts of Kim & Kanye’s wedding day aired on an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
MANNER OF DEATH:
IDK is that like, a thing? A manner of death? How about Classy AF. Classy AF when she literally died, SWERVE.
CAUSE OF DEATH:
She literally just died.
Upon beginning to can’t even right now and literally die, the subject was given 24 ounces of Starbucks Chestnut Praline Latte, which she said “… is totally giving me life right now.” The 18-year-old was closely monitored for a couple of hours, and her condition appeared to be improving. She online shopped and no matter how cute the clothes were, she still could, then she watched some funny Vines without feeling literal death looming. At the time it was believed that she was going to be able to can, and not literally die.
Shortly thereafter, she unexpectedly received multiple f’n hilarious Snapchats from various friends, and began literally dying again. She was given a Chipotle burrito bowl and a newly released Childish Gambino song was played, in the hopes that these things would “give her life,” but her body reacted too enthusiastically to the music and guacamole, as she said things like “OMG. THIS. This song is fire! And this Chipotle right now, I just, I can’t even, I’m literally dying.” The excitement caused her to feel too turnt up, then to literally die more, until finally, she was literally dead.