1. The social media arguers.
Nobody wants to see a couple having a full-fledged argument on Facebook. We love a social media train wreck when it’s two ninnies from high school verbally assaulting each other in a quarrel over Obama’s presidency, but a pair of lovers throwing stones online feels icky. This ain’t TNT, we don’t need no drama.
2. The couple that tries to make you pick a side in their arguments.
The only time picking sides is fun is when you’re looking at a Boston Market menu. If you’re a couple in the midst of a squabble, don’t drag others into it. Nobody registered to vote for the winner of your bickering. Even if one person is clearly in the wrong, it’s not an innocent bystander’s duty to run into combat and risk getting hit by crossfire.
3. The couple sharing a joint Facebook account.
Peanut butter is delicious. Jelly is fantastic. Peanut butter and jelly joining forces is even better. But have you ever bought those combinations of peanut butter and jelly in the same jar? It doesn’t work. It’s a mess and you have to decide whether to refrigerate it or not, and it tears the bread when you try to spread it, and suddenly it’s just not as enjoyable. That’s what this couple is. There are conjoined twins who have separate Facebook accounts, and surely they’re as close, if not closer than this couple.
4. The couple who says “The couple who [INSERT WHATEVER THING THEY’RE CURRENTLY DOING] together, stays together”
You’ll find this couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, or sharing a pair of ear buds. They’ll also do things that’ll make you involuntarily roll your eyes, like this:
5. The couples who create a façade by posting happy pictures but actually hate each other.
Overcompensating for the lack of real-life happiness with an abundance of perfectly filtered snapshots on Instagram isn’t fooling anyone. We know y’all can’t stand each other, despite how blissful you can make a single frame of being together look. This couple is a bitter Taylor Swift song with a romantic John Legend music video.
6. The couple who’s all judgmental about their friends’ love lives.
Much like Judy and Joe Brown, they be judging. They’re always telling friends who to date, who not to date, why they’re single, why their relationship isn’t working, and what they would do in situations they’ve never even been in. Conversations with this couple feel like browsing sketchy websites where unsolicited, invasive ads and obnoxious notifications pop up constantly.
7. The couple who calls each other “Mami” and or “Papi.”
The couple who does that baby, babe, beb, boo, bae, bb nonsense is bad, but the mami, papi duo sounds like they’re reciting excerpts of a Pitbull song, therefor, they’re the worst. The worst.