1. Insist on shredding every last piece of paper that has ANY information on it, because otherwise someone will 100% for sure steal your identity.
2. Call or text to make sure you’re safe/alive because she heard something bad happened to a person living in your current state, and wanted to confirm that it wasn’t you.
3. When you’re about to get off the phone, say “Oh, one more thing!…” and then proceed to continue the conversation for another 5-45 minutes.
4. Use a phrase or lingo that’s popular amongst youngsters these days. Even if it’s being used jokingly, it’s incredibly unnatural. It sounds the way a baby deer trying to walk looks — awkward, yet adorable.
5. Force Tupperware full of leftovers on you like a persistent salesperson at a mall cell phone kiosk. You aren’t leaving without a stack of plastic containers filled with food in your possession.
6. Get super excited about a solid bargain. It’s funny because her reaction is always pure bliss, regardless of the product. Whether it’s a fancy couch on sale for $500, throw pillows on clearance for cheap, or a buy one get one deal on detergent, her reaction is literally the same amount of uncontained joy. It resembles someone who just won the Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right.
7. Type out text messages slowly and methodically, with a single index finger. +5 adorable points if she’s squinting at the phone, unable to make out the tiny letters as well.
8. Exaggerate when describing you to others. Stories are embellished, personal facts are delivered in hyperbole. Did you win a ‘Most Improved’ soccer trophy in 3rd grade? She’ll tell folks you were a fùtbol prodigy.
9. Identify herself on voicemails, texts or social media posts like, “It’s mom, have fun and be safe!” We can all appreciate the clarification, despite how hilariously unnecessary it is.
10. Send a text, but then call immediately after, before you even have time to respond. She’ll then explain that she just sent a text, and give you a recap of what said text was in regards to.
11. Say “Happy Birthday” differently as you get older. From 18 on it’s essentially some variation of “Don’t do anything stupid because you’ll be tried as an adult in a court of law now.”
12. Take photos that are awkwardly zoomed in, or out of focus, or accidentally cut off half of someone’s face.
13. Change her voice when she’s on the phone with someone else. It’s like hearing an impressionist audition for SNL, using a variation of voices when talking to you, when speaking to a customer service agent, or when talking to other family members.
14. Nonchalantly make you feel guilty for being slightly condescending when you’re giving her technology related guidance. “Oh, never mind, don’t worry about it – I only gave you life and raised you for all those years, but I understand why you can’t be patient for 5 minutes to show me how to add music to my iPhone.”