1. The Fully Charged iPhone That Will Unexplainably Drop To 20% Within A Couple Of Hours.
AFTER THAT FIRST SIP YOU ARE AWAKE & ALIVE AND EVERYTHING IS GREAT AND YOU ARE GOod TO Go AnD wAIT whAt’s happening Oh GoD you’re fAdinG please help so much 2 o’clock feeling oh no. 20%. 10%. Powering down.
2. The Slightly Concerned That This Might Be An Addiction Guy/Gal
Every day, cup after cup, the realization sets in that you may have an actual, serious problem. Your dependence is slightly terrifying, but quitting coffee, oversleeping everyday, being habitually late to work, getting fired from your job, having no money for bills, getting evicted from your home, living by a dumpster behind Chipotle, getting attacked by aggressive street youths, falling into a coma, waking up in 2037, and finding out that modern science has new, healthy coffee that retroactively eliminates any negative effects of previous times’ less healthy coffee just doesn’t seem worth it.
3. The Beast Mode Worker
You’ve got the vigor of a bodybuilder on crack and the strength of 1,000 burning suns, but not so much so that you can’t focus. This is the ideal middle ground between dead and over-the-top. Yes, you feel fully capable of annihilating your enemies in toe-to-toe combat while simultaneously concocting exit strategies for the US military – but you’re fine settling on doing some spreadsheets and paper work, or whatever. (Make note of Michael Scott’s energetic work habits after he ate a topping covered pretzel and experienced a sugar ruse.)
4. The Already A Morning Person Person
You’re the friendly person in a coffee shop at 5:19AM, scanning the room with pupils that track and relentlessly pursue eye contact like heat seeking missiles. Unwanted small talk seeking missiles, actually. Once this person’s eyes meet the eyes of an innocent, tired stranger, they won’t hesitate to speak enthusiastically. Why do you even need the coffee? You’re already wide-awake and in great spirits, and after you drink it, nothing changes. Yet here you are, forcing some poor soul to muster up the energy to be cordial.
5. PHYSICALLY CAN’T STOP MOVING JOHNSON
IS IT JUST ME OR DOES IT FEEL HORSEPOWERY IN HERE?! LET’S DO STUFF, EVERYONE! C’MON, I CAN DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW! WHO GON’ STOP ME? TRY, I DARE YOU. I AM A BOLT OF LIGHTNING STRIKING A RED BULL FACTORY! I AM A SELF-AWARE CAN OF RED BULL! (THAT MAGICALLY BECAME SELF-AWARE BECAUSE OF THE AFOREMENTIONED LIGHTNING STRIKE.) I FEEL LIKE A CAPS LOCK BUTTON! NOT A DAINTY PINKY FINGER HOLDING DOWN ‘SHIFT,’ TO CREATE IMPOSTER CAPITALIZATIONS, BUT AN ACTUAL, TURNED ON CAPS LOCK BUTTON! I AM THE STRENGTH & VITALITY REQUIRED FOR SUSTAINED PHYSICAL OR MENTAL ACTIVITY!
– You, when you’re this person.
6. The Complete 180
This is one of the more common results of coffee and the picture above explains it. You go from basic rude, crude, socially unacceptable non-morning person to jovial pageant contestant levels of friendliness.
7. The Lethargic Martian
Ah, the rare person who gets tired from drinking coffee – y’all just had to go and be unique. Most people feel an immediate jolt that wakes ‘em up, but you turn into a heavy-eyed sleepyhead. Research has been done to try solving why this happens to you, but I’d be careful because if the government gets hold of your abnormal self, they might cut you open for scientific studies.
8. Bathroom Break Beverly
Sure, you may be feeling more awake but now any excess energy goes straight to getting up to go pee every 10 minutes. Enjoy basking in the ambiance of your java-scented urine for the next few hours.
9. Next Cup Nelly
You’ve got half a cup left but your only concern is making hasty, concrete plans as to where the next one will come from. You have no shame, and why should you? That magic juice is your liquid life companion that you hope to have and to hold, to sip and to slurp, from this cup forward, for the rest of the day… and then again tomorrow, and the day after that, etc. Next Cup Nelly can be a cutthroat savage. If the break room is looking low on coffee or the near future isn’t clearly presenting any opportunities to acquire your next fix, everyone should steer clear or risk standoffish, one word responses and angry glares.