9 Reasons Applebee’s Would Make A Great Lover If It Were A Person

PunkJr's Flickr
PunkJr’s Flickr
I love Applebee’s and I want to scream it from a rooftop, but I hate heights and being arrested for trespassing & disturbing the peace doesn’t sound like a good time, so I figured this would be a better way to express those feelings to my darling chain restaurant.

1. Applebee’s has no issue letting you know that it wants to spend time.

You won’t have to deal with childish dating games & shenanigans like I-don’t-want-to-call-first or I’ll-wait-a-couple-of-hours-to-respond-so-I-seem-busy because “See you tomorrow” is their slogan, which I’d imagine equates to Applebee’s the human lover adorably, aggressively sending sweet, goodnight-I-want-to-see-you-again-ASAP [heart-eyes emoticon] text messages.

2. Applebee’s is the girl/boy next door.

The former slogan, “Eating good in the neighborhood,” gave off a comfy, community vibe. Applebee’s is the person you grew up with who is reliable and loyal. Your parents adore Applebee’s, your siblings and friends get along with Applebee’s. You may have casual hookups with the Chili’s, Olive Gardens & Ruby Tuesdays of the world – heck, you might even date a couple Red Lobsters or Cheesecake Factories – but you marry an Applebee’s.

3. Applebee’s would be low maintenance but also capable of being super classy.

LOW MAINTENANCE APPLEBEE’S = Half-priced appetizers.
SUPER CLASSY APPLEBEE’S = Lemon wedge on the rim of your water glass.

4. Applebee’s would show you some serious affection twice a day, no questions asked.

Happy hour (depending on your location) is 5-7ish AND 9-close. This means that twice per day, Applebee’s The Significant Other would make a conscious effort to ensure your happiness. “Do you want your wings bone-in or boneless?” Applebee’s would whisper to you flirtatiously, at 5pm, and then again at 10.

rust.bucket's Flickr
rust.bucket’s Flickr

5. Applebee’s gives solid gifts for birthdays.

As you may know, if you visit an Applebee’s on your birthday, they’ll give you a free ice cream sundae and serenade you with a beautiful song – and not the boring, regular Happy Birthday To You shtick, but their own, original melody. They do this for strangers. Imagine the gifts Applebee’s would give to the person it’s going steady with.

6. Applebee’s is conscious of your health.

Meals under 550 calories are offered because Applebee’s doesn’t want you to like, die in the middle of this precious love connection.

7. Applebee’s is completely fine staying in.

Carside-To-Go is a glorious service Applebee’s offers, allowing you the opportunity to call in an order, quickly stop by, grab your grub and indulge at home. Basically every homebody would be all up in Applebee’s’ Facebook messages trying to holler, because love interests who are willing to kickback and relax indoors are a hot commodity.

8. Applebee’s has a hot sibling.

Applebee’s is part of the DineEquity family — better known as IHOP. You especially enjoy hanging with Applebee’s’ attractive brother/sister at 2:30am on weekends over some elite pancakes, but you’d never cross any scandalous, two-timing lines. If anything you’d try to hook a good friend up with IHOP.

9. Applebee’s would never leave your side.

There are over 2,000 locations in the United States, Puerto Rico, and 15 other countries, folks. You can run but you can’t hide from the love of Applebee’s, and why would you even want to? Let Applebee’s smother you in spinach & artichoke affection, gently showering you with mozzarella stick kisses, lathering you in tasty marinara hugs, serving you and your every need over penne, tossed with fresh spinach, creamy alfredo, garlic and tomatoes. Yep, that’s love. TC Mark

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