April 30, 2014 marks the 10th anniversary of what might just be the most quotable film ever. Mean Girls has unmatched replay value and is stuffed full of fantastic, hilarious lines that fans have memorized and use daily, to the point where it has become its own dialect. Seriously, people can find ways to incorporate it into any and every conversation.
So how do you narrow down an abundance of quotes and select just one from a glorious, praiseworthy bunch? I chose this – a tournament built on an impartial foundation. Don’t be angry at me for the top 16 quotes that made the bracket, because they were selected and ranked based solely on how many YouTube views the had.
My personal opinions do rear their heads when two quotes battle it out and I decide which one advances, but I’ve seen this movie an impressive (or embarrassing, depending who you ask) number of times. Let’s settle this once and for all and answer the 10-year-old question, what’s the best Mean Girls quote of them all?
THE PLASTICS REGION ROUND 1
It was going to be unfortunate for whatever line had to go head-to-head with Glen Coco because that’s a staple of Mean Girls quoting. The 8-seed “Don’t have sex” line is gold, as it continues “Don’t have sex in the missionary position, don’t have sex standing up, just don’t do it. OK, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers.” That being said, this is an unfair fight that ends with one win for Glen Coco and none for Coach Carr.
WINNER: (1.)You go, Glen Coco
(4) We should totally just stab Caesar! vs. (5) Fat whore.
The Caesar spiel is epic and the full thing goes as follows:
Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What’s so great about Caesar? Huh? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that’s not what Rome is about. We should totally just STAB Caesar!
Now, that’s an amazing rant perfectly delivered by Gretchen and it’s even better because hardcore fans can test their skills by trying to recite the entire monologue. Then you compare it to this brief exchange:
Mr. Duvall: [Reading] “Kaitlyn Caussin is a… ”
Regina: Fat whore! [goes back to crying]
One is lengthy, the other is a quick hitter, but man does it pack a punch. I don’t think Gretchen’s father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel would be too pleased to hear this, but Regina’s hilarious moment earns a hearty laugh from me every single time, and for that it must advance in this tournament.
WINNER: (5) Fat whore.
(3) Kevin G rap. vs. (6) Your mom’s chest hair!
Here are the lyrics to the hot fire spit by Kevin Gnapoor: “Yo Yo Yo! All you sucka MCs ain’t got nothin’ on me! From my grades, to my lines you can’t touch Kevin G! I’m a mathlete, so nerd is inferred, but forget what you heard I’m like James Bond the third, sh-sh-sh-shaken not stirred. I’m Kevin Gnapoor! The G’s silent when I sneak through your door, and make love to your woman on the bathroom floor. I don’t play it like Shaggy, you’ll know it was me, cause the next time you see her she’ll be like, OOOH! KEVIN G!”
Then you have “Your mom’s chest hair!” which is a comeback used by Janis when a guy asks her what her wig is made out of. It’s tough to choose between the two, one is a remarkable rap that is more lyrically impressive than 50% of the hip-hop currently being played on the radio. The other is a line that I legitimately use multiple times every week. Because Kevin G’s flow is so personal to him while Janis’ snappy insult can be used hundreds of thousands of times, even when the context makes little sense, it makes it to the second round by a… hair.
WINNER: (6) Your mom’s chest hair!
A guy chasing a girl out of the bathroom and calling her Danny DeVito is funny, but “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!” is on another level. Frankly I’m disappointed it doesn’t have over a million views on YouTube and wasn’t a 1-seed in this bracket, but it’s worthy of a dominant win here.
WINNER: (2)You can’t sit with us!
NORTH SHORE REGION ROUND 1
(1) She doesn’t even go here! vs. (8) That is so fetch.
Here’s another tough first round matchup that is closer than you might think, but you’ve got to consider the x-factor, which is what happens directly before “She doesn’t even go here!” is uttered from a hooded, incognito Damian. A hilarious crying woman giving an emotional speech is worthy of bonus points. I wanted ‘fetch’ to happen but it runs the risk of becoming overused, watered-down lingo whereas its opponent is a classic moment. WINNER: (1) She doesn’t even go here!
The full 4-seed dialogue goes as follows:
Regina: But you’re, like, really pretty.
Cady: Thank you.
Regina: So you agree?
Regina: You think you’re really pretty?
Cady: Oh… I don’t know
It’s funny because this interaction is exactly why so many people have trouble accepting a compliment. Here’s the “I’m a mouse” exchange:
Gretchen: What are you supposed to be?
[Karen points to mouse ear headband]
Karen: I’m a mouse. Duh!
I was actually shocked to see that the latter had 300,000+ views and ranked so high, as there are certainly funnier moments, one of which being Regina’s compliment and uncomfortable inquisition.
WINNER: (4) So you agree – you think you’re really pretty?
(3) I saw Cady Herring wearing army pants and flip-flops, so I bought army pants and flip-flops. vs. (6) Boo, you whore.
That army pants & flip-flops bit is a personal favorite because it’s sadly accurate to real life and trends. It’s basically the brief humor movie version of Malcolm Gladwell’s The Tipping Point, but “Boo, you whore” is something my brain is automatically wired to say when someone declines my invites, so I’m going to roll with that winning this clash.
WINNER: (6) Boo, you whore.
FUNNY = “On October 3rd, he asked me what day it was. [Aaron asks, Cady answers] It’s October 3rd.”
One of the funniest sentences in the entire history of film. = “Somebody wrote in that book that I’m lying about being a virgin, ’cause I use super-jumbo tampons, but I can’t help it if I’ve got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina!”
This just shows how confusing the video views can be because while it’s ranked much lower, I think it handily defeats October 3rd.
WINNER: I can’t help it if I’ve got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina.
THE PLASTICS REGION ROUND 2
(1.)You go, Glen Coco! vs. (5) Fat whore.
Let me just say that “fat whore” is a formidable opponent for the powerhouse that is Glen Coco, but I can’t deny the 3.5 million views and shirts and GIFs and overall popularity of the candy cane gram scene. Fat whore is the unsigned musician who only has 9,000 Twitter followers but is incredibly talented while Glen Coco is the mainstream singer who, at this point may’ve joined the illuminati to makeup for a lack of skills and is dominating in record sales.
WINNER: (1.) You go, Glen Coco!
(6) Your mom’s chest hair! vs. (2)You can’t sit with us!
The problem here is that your mom’s chest hair (the quote, not the literal) is worthy of more than 298,000+ views and a 6-seed. It’s actually capable of defeating some of the other lines that are still in this, but because it ran into the currently immovable object that is “You can’t sit with us!” it’ll unfortunately meet its demise.
WINNER: (2) You can’t sit with us!
NORTH SHORE REGION ROUND 2
(1) She doesn’t even go here! vs. (4) So you agree – you think you’re really pretty?
“So you agree, you think you’re really pretty?” doesn’t even go in this tournament anymore. It’s just not quite the caliber of its opponent.
WINNER: (1) She doesn’t even go here!
(6) Boo, you whore. vs. (7) I can’t help it if I’ve got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina.
Two underappreciated lines that no human should have to decide between. I’m just a man, how can I choose one or the other? I reached out to President Obama for a consultation but he’s taking forever to respond so I’ll just do the hardest thing I’ve ever done. This match goes to overtime. It has extra innings. Boo you whore is in the lead one second, then wide set vagina comes back relentlessly. Because there were two quotes containing the word whore in this tournament and one was eliminated, I must advance “Boo, you whore” for the sake of that word and its avid users.
WINNER: (6) Boo, you whore.
THE PLASTICS REGION FINALS
(1.)You go, Glen Coco! vs. (2)You can’t sit with us!
Again, how does one choose between such historical lines? It’s like asking “Free ice cream for a month or free ice cream for 4-weeks?” Both sound incredibly appealing and are worthy of appreciation, but in this case, “You can’t sit with us!” is 4-weeks and Glen Coco is a 31-day month.
WINNER: (1.)You go, Glen Coco!
NORTH SHORE REGION FINALS
(1) She doesn’t even go here! vs. (6) Boo, you whore.
UPSET ALERT! UPSET ALERT! The rankings were flawed and this moment was inevitable. “Boo, you whore” started near the bottom at 291,134 and now it’s here, attacking “She doesn’t even go here!” viciously, because that’s how things are settled in the animal world. WINNER: (6) Boo, you whore.
THE PLASTICS REGION WINNER vs. NORTH SHORE REGION WINNER FOR CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE OF BEST QUOTE OF THEM ALL: (1.)You go, Glen Coco! vs. (6) Boo, you whore.
Here we are, folks, 10 years after Mean Girls was released, still trying to figure out which line was best. We could debate this for another decade or complain about the worthy quotes left out, but let’s be real. The people know the winner. I know the winner.
It was you Glen Coco. It was always you. I loved that line, you loved that line, everyone loved that line. We still do. Whether reciting it obnoxiously right before it’s said when you watch the movie or playfully encouraging a friend, “You go Glen Coco” is the quote of all Mean Girls quotes. After this long has passed, how many more times can folks insert this phrase in their everyday lives? I’d like to think that the limit does not exist.
WINNER, CHAMPION QUOTE:
JUST MISSED THE CUT:
So if you’re from Africa, why are you white? 175,421
Oh hell no, I did not leave the Southside for this! 163,794
I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I’m popular. 138,174
God Karen, you are so stupid! 135,496
The limit does not exist. 123,700
I don’t hate you because you’re fat, you’re fat because I hate you. 112,902
Get In loser, we’re going shopping. 79,657