The Lion King 3: Stop The Humans

In theaters Junetober 51st
In theaters Junetober 51st

Dear humans, my name is Salvatore and I am a lion living in Africa. Sounds cliché, I know, but don’t buy into all of the stereotypes. That’s actually why I’m here reaching out to you today — because I’m tired of labels and the lion name being dragged through the mud. I’ve got to paw it to you humans; you’ve done a grrreat job of fabricating the truth, but today I will clear some things up.

Before I begin, you’re probably wondering, Sal, why do you resent humans so much? First of all, it’s Salvatore to you, and secondly, I don’t even know where to begin. Um, for starters you people made that God-awful Disney movie, The Lion King, which is so incredibly offensive. Aside from a profusion of continuity errors that I won’t even delve into, there are massive blunders such as the fact that in our world, only one dominant male mates with the females, so Simba and Nala should be half siblings, not romantic interests. We’re large cats, not incestual monsters. Also, unrelated, that football team in Detroit is an embarrassment and we don’t deserve to be directly associated with them. Calvin Johnson, you’re cool, but the rest of that roster gets no love. Anyway, let’s move on to my mane point.

Humans are portraying us as arrogant, know-it-all, jerks who are unwilling to communicate with others, and they’re basing this off of one incident and some hearsay. Tittle-tattle, scuttlebutt, gossip. How do I know? Because I’m best friends with Panku, the lion who was dating Baaabs, the girl who began all of the whispers, lies and allegations.

Long story short, Panku dated Baaabs for a year but caught her cheating on him, ironically with a cheetah. Panku was devastated. He loved Baaabs with all his heart and she ruined him. A few weeks later, she had the nerve to show up with a bogus apology, telling him she missed him and that cheetah guy meant nothing. Panku is a sweet cat, he loves love and despite my warnings, he took her back. He’s weak, but always wants to see the best in animals, and while I’m a realist I tried to support the guy, as a friend should.

A few weeks later, Panku goes over to Baaabs’ place to surprise her with some delectable grass and clovers, but something is off. She’s saying she doesn’t feel well and he came at a bad time, but she’s slightly out of breath and blatantly anxious. It’s not adding up. That’s when he notices orange cheese puff dust fingerprints all over her body. She was with that bastard cheetah again. Busted. Betrayal at its finest — poor Panku was shattered.

I was with Panku as he picked up the pieces of his heart over the next few weeks. It wasn’t pretty watching a grown lion in mourning. Baaabs tried to contact him and as hard as it was to resist, Panku wouldn’t bite. I’ll give it to Baaabs, she probably attempted to speak to Panku at least a hundred times, but her persistence was futile, the damage had been done. Here’s where the fallacies come – in her final effort, Baaabs sent a group of her friends to try to convince Panku to hear her out. The group spewed a barrage of begs and pleas and explanations and thoughts and finally Panku had enough. He said he wanted to hear no more of their “biased opinions.” The flock of sheep hurried off angrily, mumbling nasty comments on their way out.

Years later and here we are, the disparaging remarks and rumors spread from ewe to ewe until it even reached humans, who ran further with the lies. I see these words popping up all the time:

A lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinion of sheep.

That’s just not true. The tension between lions and sheep right now is at an all time high, but we are very caring, empathetic, compassionate creatures. We do, in fact, care about others’ opinions, just not those belonging to adulterous, cheese-puff-mascot-cheetah fuckers, sheep or not.

We ask that you humans stop using this phrase. Take it off of your Instagrams, your Twitters and Facebooks – you shouldn’t take pride in disregarding another being’s opinions. Lions care, lions listen, lions love. Remove this deceptive saying from your vocabularies or prepare to hear us recite “A human doesn’t concern itself with the facts” at zoos and safaris when you come to ogle and gawk at us.

Sincerely, Salvatore

P.S. For further proof that Baaabs is playing the victim role and lying, just take a look at this video below of her collaborating with Taylor Swift, who’s notorious for bashing ex-boyfriends relentlessly. TC Mark

image – Shutterstock & Shutterstock

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