1. The Worrier Pose (Similar to: The Warrior Pose)
This pose is best to attempt the moment you go to bed. First, you’re going to want to start thinking about all of your current problems. Think about unpleasant moments you regret from the past, whether they happened earlier today or 10+ years ago in middle school. Oh wow, middle school was long ago, think about how fast time is moving and how old and unaccomplished you are. Cringe. Imagine worst-case scenarios, playing them out in great detail until you get your mind racing, filling your body with stress while you sprawl out distraughtly. Open your eyes as wide as possible because you’re not getting rest anyway, and bite nails or toss & turn as you lose minute after minute after hour after entire night of sleep.
2. Downward-Facing Life’s Problems (Similar to: Downward-Facing Dog)
Put your back against a wall so your body matches the metaphor of your current life. Slide down aforementioned wall dramatically and lean over, resting your elbows against your thighs and your head on your hands. Take a deep breath, maybe cry hysterically…or don’t, whatever, that’s optional. Alright, did you get it out of your system? Great, now it’s time to stare your trials & tribulations in the eye and tell them they’re about to be triumphed. Wait, what’s that? Sitting there and crying with your face in your lap sounds easier? Good point, hold that pose but pull out your phone and Google motivational quotes, then post one on social media so people know you mean business about getting your life in order.
3. Burn A Bridge Pose (Similar to: Bridge Pose)
First you’re going to want to open your mouth, then say some incredibly uncalled for stuff. Not just any old politically correct stuff, but some brutally honest #realtalk. Feelings will get hurt and people will be offended, so the instant you notice a devestated or shocked & appalled facial expression, shrug like you’ve never shrugged before. Hold that pose, hold it, hold it…make sure it’s clear that your account is low on f*cks so you have none left to give, and your intense shrug pose is overdraft protection.
4. Just Found Out That She’s With Child’s Pose (Similar to: Child’s Pose)
Unplanned pregnancy? Get on your knees, crouch over and bury your face into the ground. Scream into the floor if that helps (it probably won’t). Remain in this pose until you fall asleep, but be forewarned that when you wake up you’ll still be pregnant. This is yoga not magic so what’d you expect? This pose isn’t only for those who recently discovered that they’re with child, it’s great to use if your team lost an important game or your roommate ate the last slice of pizza or you just sent a text to a crush and immediately regret it.
5. Corpse Pose (This is an actual yoga pose. Shocking, I know.)
The real corpse pose calls for you to be incredibly relaxed and this is similar but just be even more like a dead body and instead of holding for a measly 5 minutes, go ahead and lay there doing absolutely nothing for 45 minutes to 8 hours. I mean, really do NOTHING, and once you’re absolutely positive that you’re doing 0% of nothing, do even less.