1. Late night singles hotline ads.
You’re minding your own business watching Friends reruns when Livelinks greets you with a fit bodied, symmetrical faced person and a sensual sounding voiceover that’s encouraging you to engage in phone conversations with hot locals. They’re desperately trying to make you want human interaction but logic says that a person down to talk to strangers at 1am isn’t your type. Success: 1-800-000-0000/10
2. Restaurant promotions that discriminate against single people with small appetites.
I’m looking at you, Applebee’s 2 for $20 meal deal. There are others (*cough* Olive Garden & Chili’s *cough*), but you set the tone. Success: 5.6
3. Really good Groupon deals.
There’s something vaguely depressing about purchasing a luxury retreat knowing you’d be attending all by your lonesome. On the one hand, solo massages, champagne and spa festivities sound chill, but when you realize the package includes two super soft plush robes and other amenities, you might want someone to share those with… Keyword, might. Success: Just how soft are these robes?/10
4. Your friends who are in relationships.
Singleness is never more evident than when you’re in a third wheel scenario with a happy couple. Little moments like asking the waiter for a separate check because there’s nobody else to handle the bill with can be a reminder of your single status. That may feel crappy, but it’s cancelled out every time you watch a couple argue and make each other miserable. Success: 2/10
5. Invites to things for you and a guest.
There’s nothing like an invitation that provides you with a +1 because even if you’re happily single, you’ll now consider finding someone to drag to this event. You may decide against it, but the thought alone of finding a date could be nightmare inducing. Success: +6/10
6. The carpool lane.
Now your singular existence and lack of a companion are going to make you late for something. In this moment, stuck on the highway behind a minivan that’s going 5 under the speed limit, significant other stock is rising rapidly. Success: 7MPH/10
7. February 14th.
I didn’t want to use this particular date’s specific name because some people overreact to its significance and create a Lord Voldemort, he-who-must-not-be-named type feel. It’s trying really hard to make you want a companion. Chocolate, romance, perfectly filtered images of couples on Instagram – Valentine’s Day February 14th wants you to want love. Unfortunately it tries so hard that it actually makes you resent it and want to remain single in spite of it. Success: 1/10
8. Restaurant hosts/hostesses with shocked & confused expressions when you explain that you’re a party of one.
If only dining alone wasn’t such a shocking thing. “Table for one?” sounds are lot better than “IS IT JUST YOU?! OH, WELL DO YOU WANT TO SIT AT THE BAR OR SOMETHING? SURELY YOU DON’T WANT TO EAT YOUR HALF OFF APPETIZERS IN A BOOTH BUILT FOR FOUR.” Success: 7.8/10
There’s nobody to bring you juice or soup and now you have to drag your dying corpse to Walgreens for Gatorade because nobody cares if you have sufficient electrolytes or feels sorry for you. In the store, strangers scowl and try to steer clear of your coughing, sneezing, zombie-looking self, glaring like you’re contagious and inconsiderate for stepping outside of the quarantine you belong in. Now you feel like garbage both physically and emotionally. Success: 9.3/10
10. Your bad days that you’d like to rant and vent about.
Someone on the highway was going 5 under the speed limit making you late and ruining your day, but you’ve got nobody to complain to. Success: 8.7/10
11. Your lack of motivation to wash your sheets.
You should probably wash your sheets. It has been a while and they need to come in contact with water & detergent. You may unenthusiastically clean them, but if there were someone coming over regularly, you’d have more incentive to maintain fresh sheets. Any unkemptness in your home (or body) can be heavily influenced by your singleness. Success: 5/10
12. Spiders in your home.
It has to be taken care of and you’re the only line of defense.
Success: 8 legs/10