1. Koalas eat about 2 ½ pounds of food, often at night.
Who doesn’t enjoy excessive grubbing in the evening? Unfortunately koala food is almost exclusively leaves, which seems like a letdown, but they’ve never experienced cheeseburgers or breakfast burritos so their ignorance is bliss.
2. Koalas sleep for up to 20 hours a day.
They say koalas aren’t trying to be lazy just because and the constant sleep is because their body exudes a lot of energy digesting the contents of their toxic, unhealthy diet but when I take a midday nap after eating Chinese food people are so quick to judge. 20 hours truly seems like the perfect amount of rest per day. Why? Because if you have a bad day it’s over and you’re sleeping before you know it, but if it’s a good day you go to bed happy, before things have a chance to turn to crap. As a human there’s entirely too much awake time and i allows the oft-bipolar universe to make decent/good days turn to sucky/completely garbage ones in a matter of moments.
3. Koalas are mostly nocturnal.
So not only are these magnificent creatures sleeping for an absurd length of time, but when they do decide to wake it’s mainly just to take advantage of the nightlife.
4. Koalas store snacks in pouches in their cheeks.
Why haven’t humans developed a surgery that installs snack-holding pouches inside of cheeks? You’d be able to get rid of your extensive cargo short collection because who needs all those pockets for treats when you can essentially stock a candy aisle in your cheek?
5. Koalas only mate from October to May and they’re all on the same page about the reproduction activities that have to happen, which means June through September they can focus on eating and sleeping more.
Also, female koalas have two vaginas and the men have bifurcated (forked) penises. Let your hypothetical if-I-were-a-koala-on-a-Friday-night imagination do with that information what it’d like.
6. Koalas communicate with noises.
I speak fluent ‘grunt’ every morning for my first couple hours waking up, so I’d be all for mastering shrieks, snorts, belches & whatnot to connect with my fellow koalas.
7. Koalas live in Australia*.
That place seems chill. I once had a Foster’s beer and I think I’ve been to Outback Steakhouse or at least seen a couple of their commercials so I’m sure it’s great.
*If you’re a human living in Australia, this point doesn’t apply to you. Big props on your current residence. You can probably sense my postcode envy from all the way over here.
8. Koalas have large amounts of space & live predominantly solitary lives.
Me too, koalas, me too. They need about 100 trees each, which sounds like a spacious loft in human terms. The fact that they live solo but prefer such a large habitat gives off a diva vibe, but I can appreciate the koala desire for a lavish home.
9. Koalas have sharp claws (for tree climbing).
Claws kind of speak for themselves and the only thing they’re saying is ‘awesome upgrade from lackluster human fingernails.’
10. Koalas don’t have bills or laws or social norms or an obligation to leave behind some kind of legacy.
Zero expectations. No mandatory responsibilities. Never having to do laundry or dishes. Think about that — Koalas eat with their hands, not to avoid making dirty plates and forks, but because that’s their prerogative and there are no obnoxious utensils that society expects them to clean just because the sink has been full for three weeks and they don’t understand how soaking works. Anyway, the lack of obligation to do anything other than eat, sleep and exist has that koala lifestyle stock rising.