Hey losers, lames, haters, punk-ass fools, fool-ass punks, tip-top trolls, top shelf tools and minions, brokes, bums, butt crumbs, bimbos and buffoons. Guess what? I’m going to receive a large amount of money in the next few days and it’ll make me significantly richer than all of you. We’re talking about millions of dollars here, folks. MILLIONS. Plural. So now, with nothing making me feel obligated to bite my tongue or refrain from keeping it real, I’d like to get a few things off my chest.
To my friends, we’re more than likely going to be parting ways now because I can buy new ones of you who don’t know my secrets or how to press my buttons and only say nice things to me. Sorry, y’all – we had a good subpar run, but don’t fret because you won’t be leaving empty handed! Obviously losing me means that you need a new friend, and you can’t go out and meet people without a car to get around in, right?… So, I’m buying all of you the car air freshener of your choice! Just show me proof of vehicle purchase and I’ll buy the scent your dirt poor heart desires*.
To my internet commenters (the mean ones), suck it. I’m going to spend a portion of my fortune funding a company whose sole purpose is to track down anyone who has ever sent me a rude remark, acquire their phone number by any means necessary and include them in a group text that I’ll send weekly, explicit messages and selfies of my stacks of money and I to. As for non-iPhone users, they’re obviously already being punished by the universe, so I’ll let them continue to suffer.
To my internet commenters (the nice ones), you’re all welcome to join me on my yacht when I acquire one. As you may know from a paragraph or so ago, I’m looking for new friends and if you can meet those qualifications then let’s get together and do all of the things I’d like to do whilst you tell me I’m a good person and laugh at my jokes.
To the illuminati, I’m sure you’ll be reaching out and I’m willing hear your sales pitch but I’ll warn you in advance that I’m not down with any satan stuff. I just want to go to the morning meetings and see what kind of breakfast pastries Ke$ha eats, find out what happened to Tupac & Biggie, maybe talk to human resources about why they went with the Eye of Providence as a logo, then I’m out. Also I’m super curious to find out what Kanye brings to the potlucks. I feel like he’s the ‘plastic eating utensils’ guy, but we’ll see. Anyway, just send the illuminati media kit to my new email, RichAssHudspeth@aol.com but give me fifteen minutes or so because I haven’t created the account yet. Just a heads up, if that username is taken, I’ll be RichAssHudspeth_1998@aol.com. Thanks, Illuminati.
To my family, you’re probably in disbelief and trust me, I am too! I’m sure everybody reading has some skepticism but I’m definitely about to be rich, just take a look and see for yourselves:
It’s a super lengthy email so I spared you the details, but basically they’re giving me $2.5 MILLION DOLLARS. TWO. POINT. FIVE. MILLION. DOLLARS. I emailed Mr. Mechael and while he hasn’t responded yet, I’m sure he’s just neatly stacking the bills and finding a quality briefcase to deliver them in. Officefile12111 seems busy as well because I emailed him/her** and have yet to get a reply, but again, these things take time. Anyway, I’m basically rich now so I no longer have time for this internet writing stuff, I’m going to go live life like it’s a glamorous Cîroc commercial. Goodbye – or as we, the wealthy people say, stop asking for handouts, Mom! ciao!
*$10 maximum. Terms & conditions may apply.
**Such an ambiguous name. I couldn’t decipher gender, but I love how exotic sounding it is.