1. Protein bars & powders.
Chocolate, caramel-nut clusters my ass. All protein bars taste like hate covered in stale, low quality dollar store fudge. Then you’ve got those mediocre powders masquerading around as ‘vanilla milkshake’ flavor even though it’s the taste of betrayal. Protein stuff, please get out of here with all of those vicious lies and deceitful packaging photos giving off the impression that you don’t taste like rotten astronaut food.
2. Phone camera pictures in most cases.
8 megapixels my ass. If you’re at a live event any photos taken will make you appear 37 rows further back than you actually are. If you attempt to capture a beautiful starry night, you’ll only have your dreams crushed by the grainy, blurry, uninspiring still image your camera produces.
3. Clothes, shoes, furniture and other things purchased online.
Size 13 my ass. It’s always annoying when your new shoes don’t fit and now you must ship them back and wait patiently for an accommodating pair. Same thing goes for decently priced furniture that looks like some beautifully crafted woodwork you’d see in a Disney castle online, but in real life is a flimsy, wobbly bookcase. I’ve been catfished by an Amazon desk before and it’s not fun.
4. Frozen TV dinners.
Cheesy lasagna my ass! What is this fake pasta, ground mystery meat, bottom of the barrel marinara and bogus cheese nonsense? How do they get away with these blasphemous claims of being legit meals like chicken alfredo, spaghetti and meatballs, country fried steak or what have you. On the box it’ll appear mouthwatering, but the steaming pile of processed lies that comes out of your microwave will be incredibly unsatisfying.
5. The heavily edited, over-censored, TBS versions of your favorite R-rated movies.
The Breakfast Club and The Breakfast Club airing on ABC Family are two entirely different films. Your buzz will be killed in unignorable fashion as several perfect quotes and crucial moments are ruined by the FCC and their fun word hating selves.
6. Internet comment sections.
No matter how positive or entertaining or well executed the video, song or writing, there will always be different opinions. This only becomes an issue when the negative sentiments are inevitably expressed in excessively rude fashion, packing a hateful punch because internet terrorists always take advantage of anonymity. Even if the thing they’re looking at or listening to couldn’t possibly garner a mean spirited response, folks find a way to change topics. I’ve seen videos of adorable babies that somehow manage to have comments about why Obama is the worst and Hitler isn’t half bad and it’s remarkably discouraging.
Pancakes always will be better in the anticipating imagination than after the first bite when you’ve got a stack right in front of you.
8. Book to big screen adaptations.
A book you loved being turned into a crappy movie feels like owning a magical pet unicorn and having someone buy the rights to your unicorn, savagely beat your unicorn to death, then send you a Chihuahua with a plastic, homemade spiral horn duct taped to its forehead with a note that says, “This is your beloved pet unicorn now – enjoy it you cream-faced loon!”
9. The casting of a movie you’re excited about.
The casting decisions of movies that are important to you will never satisfy your wishes because only you know what’s best and these Hollywood directors are consistently getting things wrong. Those people are monsters, they don’t care. They’ll remake Scarface and cast Jason Segel as Tony Montana and you like Segel a lot, really, you do, but you wonder whose in charge of these catastrophes.
10. Your reflection in the mirror after an intense workout.
I just did 58 minutes of intense plyometric cardio, why don’t I have at least an 8-pack? Stupid abs. Stupid unchiseled legs. Stupid undefined arms. Some routines feel deserving of immediate gratification, other than the fact that you can Instagram a sweaty selfie to let people know you worked out today. #Fitness.
11. The lineup at that one festival you really wanted to go to this year.
They’re always headlined by someone you would’ve loved to see in 2004, but right now it’s just kind of underwhelming.
12. Your total at the register.
You just aren’t leaving Wal-Mart or Target or Best Buy without feeling regret and frustration within yourself for being unable to resist buying things, clearance endcap and full price items alike.
13. The person who actually texts/calls you when you’re anxiously waiting for an important text/call from somebody.
Great timing, Mom! I’m trying to find out who Jen cheated on Cliff with and you want to remind me to stop by sometime and that you love me?! C’mon.
14. Reading the lyrics to a song that you had previously believed you knew the words to.
It’s heartbreaking to discover that you were butchering parts of a song that you love so deeply. I usually blame it on rappers who insist on spitting out lyrics hastily but also want to wear their grills and muffle their words.
15. Anyone in real life vs. their internet self.
Let’s face it – time to think of, type out and edit our thoughts without the person they’re being sent to present is a luxury that allows the typically charismatically-challenged to become charming, bold, witty personalities on the web. Not only does serve as a crutch that creates sociable, outgoing façades, but it can also lead to you forgetting how to speak to people. Like with your mouth and them in the same room. Seriously, even after being cooped up for a couple of days and only interacting online, as soon as you step outside and speak face-to-face with a human you’ll be fumbling wour yords.