1. Emperor Penguins
Emperor penguins basically have a gigantic significant other finding fiesta every March/April. The mature (old enough to party) penguins walk several miles to meet in nesting areas, where they will find their new boo. Imagine the Annual Human Boyfriend & Girlfriend Finding Convention – taking a nice road trip to a place where several others will be meeting you to hookup/find love. On paper that probably sounds a lot like Coachella minus the music and plus some snow, but surely the emperor penguin version is more romantic.
Also worth noting, they’re serially monogamous, having only that one mate for the year and typically staying faithful to ‘em.
2. Red-capped Manakin
THEY DO THE MOONWALK. THE GOSH DAMN MOONWALK. That’s how they court a mate, by setting up a staging area and dancing like the club can’t even handle them right now. How cool is that? Red-capped manakins are getting their Michael Jackson on to meet lovers while humans have “pickup artists” teaching people about NEGs, AMOGs, HBs, LTRs and various other stupid acronyms. The best part of using the moonwalking to flirt with potential lovers would be the comforting fact that you’re already on the other side of the room if they reject you.
Basically these apes have sex as a salutation. Seriously, all of ‘em are going around hooking up with each other instead of waving hello, and frankly I think this would be an ideal scenario for some of the sexually frustrated folks out there who are tired of all the human courting mumbo-jumbo. I mean, we have magazines full of tips and date doctors and aforementioned pickup artists, but these animals are blunt and chill about getting laid as casually as we shake hands, slap high five, hug or “Like” a desired person’s photo on social media. In comparison, this is an example of two humans who want to have sex vs. two bonobos who want to have sex:
Human: Hey what’s up?!
Human #2: Hey, not much, what’s up with you?
Human: Same, how’s your day going?
Human #2: Not bad, this entire week has been super busy but it keeps things interesting.
Human: Nice… That’s cool.
Human #2: Yeah definitely…. You?
Human: Oh y’know, just the usual. Trying to stay busy and what not…
Human #2: Awesome!…
Human: Yeah, hey, so actually I was meaning to ask, are you free later?
Human #2: I have a thing from 2-5, but after that I’m free.
Human: Perfect, want to do something around six?
Human #2: Sure, what’d you have in mind?
Human: Anything chill, just hangout or whatever.
Human #2: Cool, but do you want to like go out for drinks or grab dinner or–
Human: We could do any of those things or just like hang at my place or whatever.
Human #2: Oh yeah? What would we do there?
Human: Maybe order in, grab some brews, watch some Netflix.
Human #2: That sounds nice.
Human: Or we could like, go out if that’s what you wanted to do? I don’t mind, mine was just an idea.
Human #2: Oh no, it sounds fine. Staying in could be fun… Although there is a brand new wine bar in town that I wanted to check out.
Human: No, yeah, we can totally do that if you want.
Human #2: But would you want to? Like, I wouldn’t want to drag you there if it’s not something you’re interested in.
Human: No seriously, it sounds fun! I had a glass of wine once at a wedding. It made me super nauseous for some reason, though that might’ve actually been the pasta salad they served.
Human #2: Well maybe not if wine makes you sick. I mean, there are a couple of interesting looking movies that Netflix just got. I’m fine doing either or.
Human: Oh no worries! I’m like 73% sure it was the pasta salad.
Human #2: Well just shoot me a text and let me know what you want to do later, k?
Human: Right on, sounds good!
*This foggy, beating around the bush type interaction will continue until anywhere between later that night to several days/months/years, and even then, sex is never guaranteed to take place.*
Bonobo #2: Yup.
It’s really simple — when mating season comes they put on a show to attract some interest by raising their beautifully colored tail feathers in the air and, dare I say, twerking at the companion they seek. If it’s aesthetically pleased, the sought after peacock will give the go-ahead.
Now, I’m sure similar things are happening every weekend at nightclubs but humans could use something more official. Imagine a speed dating type deal but instead of using words, you shake that groove thing, backing it up and dumping it until someone decides they’d like to go steady with you.
5. Trombidiidae aka Red Velvet Mites aka Rain Bugs
The male leaves a trail of sperms leading the one he seeks to him. If a rival comes across it first, he’ll destroy it and leave his own, violating any bro-code, dibs type deal. Imagine this being an option for both men and women human daters.
Obviously we’d have to exchange a path of bodily fluids for like, rose petals or chocolates or pizza slices or Xbox games, but wouldn’t that be nice? I like this person, so I’m going to drop a stream of chicken nuggets leading to my bedroom. It’d be extra fun to sabotage anyone in pursuit of your crush, perhaps by actually dousing their trail of attraction in whatever bodily fluid you can make come out the easiest.
6. Spotted Hyenas
The females basically handle the workload, taking the initiative once they’ve decided whom they want to mate with. As I’ve said before, I’m all for men or women initiating conversations without either side being more or less expected to commence contact. This is one of the more feasible mating rituals humans could adopt, though it’d feel like a high school the week before their Sadie Hawkins dance.
To attract mates they build nice little stick, roofed nests, known as bowers. They even try to make ‘em brightly colored for that extra woo-factor by using various things including but not limited to leaves, berries, coins, pieces of glass and flowers.
Basically it’s the equivalent of being able to fix up your place and not having a pop culture poster filled man/woman cave, but a very homey spot geared towards your potential partner’s comfort. You’d have to have it on full display to draw them near, which leads me to believe you’d only attract somewhat materialistic types. Would they be with you if it weren’t for your gorgeous home? That’s the question. Would you care? That’s the answer.
These suckers are spiky so instead of risking pursuing an uninterested mate and being impaled, these things pee on the apple of their eye from a distance and one of two things happens:
1. Urine drenched porcupine is not feeling it, so it’ll shake off the piss and whimper.
2. Urine drenched porcupine loves the golden shower and exposes itself for sex.
Obviously the human version of this would have to be significantly different. I mean, we can’t all just go around casually R. Kelly-ing folks, but what if there were an official type of way to find out if someone was interested from a distance without risking a physical or verbal lashing? That would be great for rejection fearing daters. Maybe a universal sign language hand gesture or blatantly point directly at them, then point at yourself and shrugging inquisitively as if to ask “You down?”
9. Teiids aka Whiptail Lizards
They have all-female populations and manage to develop embryos from unfertilized egg cells. Whiptail lizards help each other out by mimicking the mating actions a male would perform to increase fertility, so that they can then reproduce replicas of themselves.
Picture a world where anytime you want some action, you just get somebody to help you feel all fruitful inside, then you have the option of creating a miniature clone of yourself so that your name doesn’t die off.
It’s safe to say that koalas have the good life figured out, folks. These adorable creatures sleep and eat for like 20 hours a day, and to help with the whole finding a partner thing, have a low-pitched mating call. Their diet is horrible, so they’re not even concerned with counting calories between naps. Basically picture yourself shoving countless burritos down your throat, sleeping 10 hours, waking up to eat more burritos, sleeping for 8 more hours, then waking and yelling “HEY, I’M OVER HERE IF ANYONE IS DOWN TO HAVE SOME SEX!” That’s koalas.