In Home Alone we’re briefly shown Kevin’s brilliant blueprint to stave off a duo of pesky burglars (look upstairs, dummy), and while watching the movie when I should’ve been doing several other things, I realized that I wanted to do a blueprint of my own. Now, mine is about the things inside of my home, but other than that it’s completely different from Uncle Frank’s “little jerk” nephew. These are belongings inside of my apartment that are preventing me from getting things done, which I must battle daily if I don’t want to end up a complete disappointment. Let’s evaluate:
1. COPS is on TV. It has a catchy theme song, it’s jam-packed with action and while I don’t feel good about myself for lounging around all day, I do find a sense of comfort watching street youths and fully-grown criminals get busted because at least I’m not a menace to society. Hey, I may not be doing stuff and accomplishing things from my futon, but at least I’m not the dude I see on TV, getting slammed face first into the pavement and locked up for possession of drugs and guns and other illegal paraphernalia*.
*I hear officers use this big word on COPS all the time.
2. YouTube. It is a giant, unproductive abyss and I usually only find my way out of this video hypnosis when my stomach growls and I recover consciousness and control of my mind. It’s like how they have to play that one song to wake themselves up in Inception. If my stomach doesn’t make a peep, I could potentially get stuck in unproductivity limbo for an eternity.
3. Video games. Ever since I purchased Grand Theft Auto V, every single day has felt less like a monotonous existence and more like an incredible struggle to avoid eye contact with my Playstation 3. Once you’ve turned the system on, there’s no looking back for a minimum of three hours.
4. The thought of putting pants on. It’s hard to get up and face the music when you know you have to remove basketball shorts or sweatpants and replace them with some type of fabric that isn’t nearly as snug. Why is dressing comfy (albeit less aesthetically pleasing) in public some sort of taboo? What does society have against cotton, 5% polyester and elastic waistbands that allow flexibility and easy movements? Jeans are a pushy, aggressive article of clothing that try to forcefully tell my man parts where to rest whereas sweatpants let me be the boss and wear the pants while I wear the pants.
5. Netflix. The process of deciding on a movie can take anywhere from 15 minutes-3 hours. Also, if it’s a TV show you’re watching, good luck stopping the next episode from playing when it’s going to automatically begin begin in 4..3…2…1… We can only pray that Netflix doesn’t get Friends or The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, otherwise we’re all screwed as far as getting anything done for the following couple months goes.
6. Twitter. I like to tweet and I like to see what others are tweeting as well. The beauty of it all is that they’re 140 characters tops, so if it’s great you want (and can get) more, but if it’s terrible it only took two seconds to read so no sweat.
7. Friends inviting me out. The funny thing is, I’m going to decline most invites by listing all of the errands I have to run and responsibilities I must conquer because I’m well aware recognize that these tasks exist and need to be addressed. This ends one of two ways: I accept and join them in shenanigans or I fire a barrage of legitimate reasons why I can’t go, then hang up and continue ignoring those duties.
8. Laptop. Really these mechanisms encompasses 95% of all distractions & procrastination enablers, so the fact that one exists in my home automatically puts any of my hopes and dreams that require conscious effort at risk. Luckily a lot of the things I want to accomplish involve the internet, so that’s a great way for my mind to validating the parking of my butt on the couch with my precious laptop in hand.
9. Soft Furniture. How does one get off of a couch or out of a bed when the shape of their body is embedded in a warm, cushiony crater? I can’t just turn down comfort, I’m not some type of magical comfort rejecting wizard.
10. Wine. Quickly drink a glass, then convince yourself that now you don’t have a choice but to remain home because you don’t want to be inebriated and get arrested for public intoxication like the folks you’re watching on COPS.
11. Pizza/snacks. Food makes me happy but also sleepy and once I eat it, immediate napping is often required. I can’t tell you how many homework assignments, bill payments, trips to the DMV and responsibilities in general have been delayed as a result of falling down slippery, lackadaisical slopes that began with a slice of pizza. For example, I started this article 7 months ago but one hot wing led to another and here we are.