1. Keeping a straight face and saying “It’s fine,” while actually boiling inside.
No matter who takes home the Academy Award for best actress you know that trophy could belong to any given woman if the critics had seen your work, such as She Seriously Went And Bought That Dress After I Told Her I Wanted It? or the Angry At My Boyfriend But Not Going To Tell Him Why trilogy. When it comes to letting someone know you’re annoyed with an expressionless face, most women are naturally magical Meryl Streeps.
2. Multitasking while driving.
I’ve seen some remarkable performances by women on the road. Stuff that easily defies the ridiculous “bad driver” generalization we oft hear of. There are women performing makeup tutorials and dancing to the Cha-Cha Slide while making flawless U-turns with their knees & thighs. It’s a less glorified form of stunt driving and I’m not sure why it doesn’t get due praise, considering Evel Knievel couldn’t do any of his wild shenanigans while giving himself smokey eyes.
3. Creating life.
Sure there’s another component involved, but once it has done its part to get things underway, it’s all up to women to complete that 9-month-long process and squeeze the baby out. Because of the whole pregnancy thing, they are the sex that is blatantly more necessary to humanity. Also, it’s worth mentioning that once pregnant, several changes and increased abilities occur — almost like going Super Saiyan, if you will.
4. Astonishing balance.
Whether it be walking in gravel while wearing heels after a few drinks, or leaning back, hand on hip and knee bent with heel raised in the air as a friend corrals her back to pose for a photo, there are constant displays of gymnast-esque balance being put on display if you pay attention.
5. Incredible pain tolerance.
The threshold required to withstand monthly cramps, childbirth and excessively uncomfortable footwear is flabbergasting. There are Major League Baseball players who will sit out games because of hangnails and recently I caught myself whining about a half gallon of Rocky Road induced stomachache as if I was the only person alive who truly understood pain. Most of what men’s bodies feel is child’s play compared to what nature puts women through.
6. Mindreading. (YOU CAN’T DISPROVE IT!)
I have a theory that all women can read minds but they’re simply in cahoots to never speak of this gift to men, under any circumstances. They can communicate with each other via telepathy anyway, so why vocalize their powers? And that whole cliché about women gossiping and being unable to keep secrets is a façade. Any vulgar, inappropriate thoughts you have, fellas? Yeah, women have heard these sentiments for years, so nothing surprises them anymore. This is my belief and any woman who says otherwise is simply trying to defer the fact that the jig is about to be up… That, or at the very least, many have scarily remarkable intuition.