1. There are significantly more photos of your significant other’s pride and joy, beloved pet than there are of you.
2. You have a sneaking suspicion that one of the biggest reasons they’re still dating you is because they aren’t ready to part ways with your pet.
3. They’ll buy the finest most expensive foods for their pet but when you eat something that’s not on the dollar menu you get a lecture on budgeting. Oh, so you’re annoyed at me for ordering cheeseburger sliders because they aren’t on Applebee’s happy hour menu but you’ll buy Jinxie all the Fancy Feast fillet mignon she can eat? That seems fair.
4. They failed The I Am Legend Test. For those unfamiliar (which should be everyone, because I invented this) watch I Am Legend. If they barely react or show no emotion at all when Will’s family dies in the helicopter collision, but start balling like an infant when the dog is zombified and killed, they probably care more about animals than humans as a species entirely.
5. You’re not allowed to scold or discipline their pet. If you aren’t saying sweet nothings in a high-pitched voice you shouldn’t be saying anything at all.
6. If you have a friend over and your boyfriend/girlfriend’s pet growls, runs from, swipes at or shows any signs of dislike towards that person, you’ve now got to convince your significant other that your buddy isn’t some terrible monster person. That seems fair.
7. During arguments, warning them that they’re going to end up a lonely “cat person” is an ineffective threat that actually sounds appealing and further convinces them that you aren’t necessary.
8. You want to talk about the future and having kids, they want to consider adding more pets to the family. Potential baby names? Nope. Potential pet names? Absolutely, what species are we talking here and do you want A-H, I-Q or R-Z?
9. You’ve drawn their pet’s name in Secret Santa.
10. When you’re feeling frisky your boyfriend/girlfriend has no qualms with rejecting you in heartbeat, but Cujo can leap on top of and face lick them as much as it’d like. That seems fair.
11. It’s been discussed and reiterated that if anything horrible were to happen to you, full custody of your sacred animal would go to them.
12. You’ve had your hand slapped away for taking a single French fry from your lover but they share meals with their dog because it’s an adorable beggar. Also, your gas is intolerable but the post-human food farts from their dog are no big deal.
13. They’ve forgotten your birthday/anniversary/important date you’ve been reminding them you need a favor on, but they know the date any significant dates involving their pet. At 11:37am it’ll be exactly two years since Lucky took a shit in my shoe for the first time. S’cute!
14. They have patience training or teaching new tricks to pets, but when you have a question you get attitude. It took Marbles three months and hundreds of thousands of attempts to grasp rolling over, but I need 30 seconds of assistance connecting to the Wi-Fi and I’m incompetent and obnoxious?
15. They’ve bluntly told you, “Look, I love this animal more than I love you,” and you chuckled expecting them to laugh as well but they kept a straight face and it got a little awkward.That. Seems. Fair.