Women, I’m Onto You And All Of Your Secret Stuff

Old Spice
Old Spice

Years ago when the appropriate time arrived, I didn’t just hit puberty, I Sparta kicked it in the chest. My favorite part of being a maturing man-child, aside from spotty patches of whiskers protruding from my chin, was the discovery of all these different products. There was a world of deodorants, body washes, soap, lotions and things that ultimately provided cleanliness and fragrances to eliminate current and future mustiness.

I was heavy into men’s care for a month or so, when suddenly my skin reacted angrily. Old Spice & Speed Stick deodorants burned my skin, many other products did the same. It was then that I had to make a drastic and immediate change. Only a few feet away was a new world to explore, known generally as the ‘Women’s Grooming Essentials’ section.

This was the beginning of my strictly-using-products-geared-towards-women era. There are some downsides that I’ve run into along the way, here are a few examples:

1. Strange looks from customers when perusing the women’s sections.
2. Strange looks from cashiers when purchasing brightly colored loofas and body washes. It’s 2013, don’t act like a brotha can’t exfoliate.
3. Girlfriend who comes over for the first time, sees Dove deodorants and Herbal Essences shampoo bottles in the bathroom, assumes I’m creepily saving ex’s belongings or had other girls over.

Still, all of the judgment and initial confusion is well worth it for an amazing smelling body. Women’s deodorants smell better AND survive the test of sweat, the soaps don’t dry out my skin, the body washes leave me hella exfoliated, the lotion scents linger throughout the entire day, and aside from colognes, there’s no reason to try invest in poor performing men’s products. Dove Men’s Care? No thanks – don’t try to pawn this hippie, incense smelling, skin drying, bottle of subpar body wash to me.

Being a man doesn’t mean you have to smell like a mountain or aqua staleness. There’s a world being hidden from us – open your eyes. Don’t limit yourself, you too can smell like sweet pomegranate and sharp lemon! Have you explored Herbal Essences stuff? Tousle Me Softly? Long Term Relationship?! COLOR ME HAPPY?! All of them are splendid, bros. I grew out my hair for 8-months just so I had a valid reason to use all of those aromas.

So women, you may think you’re sneaky by keeping all the good stuff for yourselves and silently allowing men to have the mediocrity, but I am onto you. Like, Old Spice has body wash called “Odor Blocker.” ODOR BLOCKER?! You’re just trying to barricade and stave off the funk?! You’re not going to replace it with something fantastic like strawberries? No, unacceptable.

Men, it’s time, prepare for glory! Never retreat to less-than-amazing smells, never surrender the good stuff! Go spread the word. Let every woman know the truth of this. Let each search her own soul and while you’re at it, search your own… What I’m trying to say is next time you’re at Target, at least consider trying that Dove VisibleCare, Crème Body Wash to maximize your radiance, my dude. TC Mark

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