Before the countless emails pour in, I’ll just address the obvious up front: Yes, I realize how great and amazing I am at Photoshop. Feel free to send all admiration and inquiries for my services anyway, but know that I’m well aware of my abilities and I charge a gigantic fee because cropping like this only comes around once in a lifetime.
Now, on to the matter at hand. There are forces making the Ted Mosby’s and aspiring husbands & wives of the world who don’t have love want it, and boy are they powerful. They aren’t an officially assembled team but if they were, it’d look something like this. A small group working together to remind the loveless of what they’re lacking and motivate them to actively seek it… Or cry in the fetal position, but most of the time love ends in that fashion anyway.
Alpha & Zordon = Will & Jada Smith
Their seemingly happy marriage that has seen its fair share of rumors is one of the most glorified in all of Hollywood. Does that mean it’s perfect? No, but it definitely garners a lot of positive attention from those on the outside looking in, which is a tough task with the evil forces of gossip magazines. TMZ and their terrible rumors are essentially Will & Jada’s Rita Repulsa.
Green Ranger = Nicholas Sparks
Sparks has several books that are inevitably turned into movies featuring traditionally handsome, strong jawline having dudes and the beautiful women they swoon. They make money in the box office and the bookstores and create expectations that are incredibly impossible to live up to. Regardless, his novels hold a great deal of power and are capable of moving emotional mountains — therefor, it’s only right that they he be one of the most adored, forerunning members, a la the Green Ranger.
Black Ranger = Fall/Winter
Oft known as “cuffing season,” the months that bring on cooler weather are known for making folks want a significant other. The summer beaches and outdoor activities have died down as many people prefer to stay home with their hot beverages and TVs, which tends to get lonely if you don’t have a special somebody to share it with. Plus, every time your phone rings, you get excited about an incoming call that you hope is your dream lover coming to rescue you, but it’s just your Mom making her sales pitch, encouraging you to come for the holidays which is devastating.
Pink Ranger = Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day and all of the products it shoves down our throats tend to be 50 shades of pink, so this seems like an appropriate fit. Let’s face it, this day is less about truly happy couples and more like a gigantic reminder to every single person in the world that they have to buy their own chocolates.
Blue Ranger = A friend’s engagement ring picture on instagram.
Nobody wants to be a jealous bitch but when you see that the hopeless romantic girl and the destined to be a bachelor guy are officially engaged, it feels like cupid crop dusted you on the way to bringing others their soulmate. When things like this happen, we no longer hear it through the grapevine, we see it through the Sutro filter, which makes it look a shade more glamorous and perfect.
Yellow Ranger = A well constructed Jared® the Galleria or Kay Jewelers commercial.
Every 30-second reminder of your loneliness as you shovel scoops of mashed potatoes into your mouth while watching television on your futon begins with Kay.
Red Ranger = Drake.
I’m not going to take Cliché Ave. all the way down to Repeated Joke St. and poke fun at the fact that a rapper is honest and talks about being a human with emotions because Drake is brilliant, and seems to be more real than most in my opinion. Anyway, his work has a way of evoking all types of feelings and changing outlooks within the well-worded lyrics and soothing beats. He is somewhat the leader of this group, but ultimately Nicholas Sparks is his co-pilot.
Megazords = Tumblr Love Quotes.
They take a picture of some gorgeous, screensaver looking place, then perhaps edit it to look lighter and darker at the same time with that magic contrast/brightness effect, throw some love-related text in a clean, fresh looking font on top and voila – these are the big guns of tenderness. You can’t click and you can’t scroll without facing the risk of running into these things and facing the inevitable wrath of their lovey-doveyness.