1. Front camera mode on your phone: 10
Especially when it’s unexpectedly turned on. You look down and it’s just there, displaying your slightly terrified, very candid face, capturing the bottom of your chin and deep inside your nostrils from an unflattering dead bird’s eye view.
2. CW actors & actresses: 8
This network should just paste: “jaw·line ˈjôˌlīn/ noun 1. the contour of the lower edge of a person’s jaw” on the screen and loop it because all I see are defined jawlines. Literally every single person that channel casts on a series looks photoshopped. From their perfect skin to every last strand of incredibly perfect hair. Some of those shows on ABC Family & MTV (e.g. Pretty Little Liars, Teen Wolf, Awkward) are guilty of this as well, wielding their insanely good-looking casts around like a confidence slicing sword.
3. Your reflection in car windows: 5
So startling, so tinted, so distorted, so filtered by a layer of dirt, smudges and bird feces. Just put those groceries in the trunk and get home before anyone else is subjected to your disgusting mug. Hurry up — don’t even tie the bags, you deserve to have your cans roll all over and crush your bread because you’re not pretty, said the car window reflection.
4. Losing followers on social media: 7.4
Was it something I said or was it the fact that my picture popped up when I said it, and made you so disgusted by the sight of me that you had to shutdown your computer like it was the US government or something. This is my thought process every time my Twitter follower count goes down one.
5. Disney princesses & princes: 4
Those cartoonists are just as responsible for my self-loathing as Meaghan, my first grade crush who never liked me back despite my repeated invites to swing alongside me and numerous offerings of a sip of my Hi-C. And that was a serious gesture, y’all – Ecto Cooler was a hot commodity and if I’m offering you 1 out of 6.75 fl ozs, that’s love. Okay, I’ve gotten off topic. The point is that Disney made a habit of only having gorgeous main characters that we have to remind ourselves are animated and have levels of gorgeousness that can’t be replicated.
6. Strong gusts of wind: 6
Hair in your face and clothes everywhere as your face scrunches up and you squint, trying to avoid dust getting in your eye. The wind is not your friend. It’s a bully who rips your belongings from your hands and throws them in the air, making you feel like a pathetic loser as you run down the street chasing after a sheet of loose leaf paper. If there were a locker nearby, it would shove you into it and tell you how unsymmetrical your face is.
7. Chicken wings: 1.8 (because delicious)
I’ve mentioned this before but the sucking, slurping, chomping and finger licking makes it difficult to eat chicken wings without looking somewhat sloppy. Still, who really cares about sex appeal when you’re trying to inhale the world’s greatest appetizer (sorry, mozzarella sticks & jalapeno poppers, but no).
8. The first 3-20 selfie attempts: 9.7
*snap* No. *snap* NO. *snap* NO! Nobody is satisfied with the first selfie, and even if they were they’d take another just to see if it can be topped. According to hudspethsfictionalstatistics.com, it takes an average of 11.5 selfie attempts before a person is satisfied with the picture enough to even run it through an Instagram filter. The more you know.
9. People taking long to text you back: 6.5
Even if they’re not a love interest, there’s nothing like large chunks of time between responses to make you feel like your aesthetically disturbing face is the cause of the delay. The person on the other end is just sitting there thinking, “Man, he/she is so unattractive, I don’t even know how to respond to this ‘how r u?’ text without recommending facial reconstructive surgery.”
10. Dogs that are friendly to everybody in the room but you: caNINE
Come on dog, you’re really going to give me the cold
shoulder paw? Cats are antisocial, snooty snobs to begin with, so rejected interaction from them is as shocking as wet water, but not puppies. Specifically a welcoming dog that runs around licking and hopping on and wagging its tail at everyone else, but then shoots down your affection. You don’t like the way I gently scratch you around the collar? You don’t want to stay for a belly rub? Am I some kind of hideous monster that makes dogs say “Ruh-roh, ugly person wants to play with me, better hop in somebody else’s lap?”