First and foremost, I think it’s worth noting that this isn’t a sponsored post or something of that nature — I’m just a man in love with a fast food establishment. Over my years of indulging in tasty concoctions created by my precious Taco Bell, I’ve realized that I developed strong feelings for this company and its grub. We started as solid, platonic friends; crunchy taco here, bean burrito (no onions) there, good rapport but no extracurricular sentiments.
Then, at some point over the past few years, in the midst of classic 20-something financial struggles, I realized that one of the few people there for me was Taco Bell. Sure, there were McDonalds’ on every corner, but I always say, “Don’t confuse the people who are always around with the people who are always there.” Taco Bell is always there. I can only hope they’d reciprocate these feelings I have. Taco Bell, if you can hear me I’d like you to crunchwrap my heart and shower me in your supreme, sour cream doused, lettuce decorated, tomato speckled love.
I can barely even discuss this casually, so before things get hot & heavy like a steak quesadilla with extra cheese, here are the 10 reasons Taco Bell would be a spectacular significant other:
Taco Bell can offer unique things that you won’t find with any other boy/girl.
Dew I even have to specify what I’m referring to here? Why do we date people? Because they make us feel a certain way inside that others can’t. The exclusive Mountain Dew Baja Blast flavor does just that. Fizzy, carbonated glory that can only be experienced at Taco Bell.
Taco Bell is financially considerate.
Even on my poorest of days, that reliable value menu has come through in the clutch by providing me with a hot meal. Taco Bell knows of my frugal ways and is entirely accepting of them. Plus, lasting relationships are all about give & take, so if I give you five dollars and you give me a bag stuffed full of food, that’s love.
Taco Bell is crafty.
In actuality, they have like 7 or 8 ingredients, but they turn them into hundreds of meal choices. Meat + Beans + Rice + Nacho Cheese + Tortillas, etc. Taco Bell would basically be an expert at crafts, cooking and DIY projects – think Martha Stewart’s skills with Rachael Ray’s bubbly personality.
Taco Bell is not afraid to try new things.
If Taco Bell created Doritos Locos Tacos, imagine what a human version would be willing to try? Whether it be taking risks on a business venture or a spontaneous road trip, TB would be game. Cheese flavored chips turned into taco shells takes boatloads of innovation. That originality indicates that Taco Bell’s creativity in… more private aspects of your relationship would probably be pretty freaky deaky, living más between the sheets if you know what I’m saying. Speaking of which…
Taco Bell is always willing and able to improve dull, bland things with flavor & spice.
Certain aspects of the relationship feeling bland? Bam! Have some mild sauce! Still too weak? Boom! Here’s hot sauce! Need warmer? Thwack! There’s Fire sauce! Feeling blue today? Ka-pow! Salsa verde, now you’re green. Taco Bell has a solution to all emotions and a willingness to please.
Taco Bell answers your late night calls.
Countless times I’ve sat vulnerable and hungry after midnight in need of nourishment, and consistently Taco Bell has provided my body with sustenance. Being available late at night when many others would ignore your calls is an endearing attribute.
Taco Bell is bilingual.
Fluent Spanish just seems like a valuable asset these days.
Taco Bell is witty.
On the front of every last sauce packet is some kind of funny remark and the person(s) behind the Taco Bell Twitter account clearly has a great sense of humor as well, just like I’d imagine the living, breathing version would as well.
Taco Bell never ignores texts and calls, willingly giving information on its whereabouts.
Boyfriends and girlfriends can be trouble, disappearing at night and partaking in shady activities, but not Taco Bell. Taco Bell offers this so you never have to worry or wonder where your boo is.
Taco Bell would be physically attractive and you know it.
Aesthetics and lust aren’t the motivator in my pursuit of a relationship with Taco Bell, but check out that beautiful building above, looking all purple and pink and glowing and breathtaking. Just like a gorgeous person in real life experiences, there are people who Taco bout this wonderful restaurant harshly, but haters gonna hate, and chalupas gonna remain great.