What Life Statistics Would You Like To Know When You Die?

Every waking moment is spent doing something that, when it’s all said and done, it’d be interesting to hear a detailed recap of. If we had selfie baseball cards that listed different statistics on the back, what kind of stuff would you want to know? For example, as a kid I’d let the sink run while I brushed my teeth simultaneously and I sometimes speculated how many gallons of water were being wasted as I scrubbed away. How many over the span of a week? A month? An entire lifetime?

I eventually quit being wasteful of H2O, but the concept of knowing precise numbers remained something I found intriguing. How cool would it be to arrive at the pearly gates and be greeted by God, iPad in hand as he pulls up several infographics informing you of every last detail you’d like to know. In the event that something similar to this goes down when we go up, I’ve memorized the questions I’d like to hastily rattle off:

    • How many times did I unknowingly lead people to their death?
    • In total, how many attempts and makes did I have shooting basketballs into hoops? Balled up paper into trashcans?
    • How many times did I watch Hitch?
    • Total showers taken?
    • Text messages sent? Received?
    • How many miles walked?
    • Years of life spent sleeping?
    • Number of insects killed?
    • Total amount of money made and spent? Spare change ignored on the ground. 

Just as there’s plenty we’d be eager to learn, there’s also probably a fair share of information that you’d dread hearing, including but not limited to:

  • Hours spent stressed out about scenarios that never came to fruition?
  • Overall intelligence ranking?
  • How many small animals did I accidentally run over? Specifically *cringe* bunnies?
  • How many things was I wrong about?
  • Missed calls from parents that I could’ve answered but ignored?
  • People I made cry?
  • How many secret admirers had crushes on me that I never knew about? (Whether it’s 100 or 0, I feel like the answer would be very unsatisfying.)
  • And of course, total number of sins? Which sin did I commit the most?

My concern with that last question specifically is that upon further review, the decision to grant me access to an eternity of happiness might be reevaluated, ultimately leading to me being forced to join the R.I.P.D. or sent to hell and forced to watch R.I.P.D. looping on a 56k modem.

Maybe at some point we’ll be able to tell to the ounce how much we drank of a beverage, or to the last second how much time we spent partaking in a certain endeavor. I mean, even the all-time record books would be interesting. What human killed the most humans with his/her bare hands? Who had sex with the most people? I feel like that could definitely, probably, maybe be the same person. Regardless, I’ll hold out hope and fully believe that we’ll have our moment to learn the minutiae of our time on earth, but it could just be one more tally on my “things I was wrong about” grand total. TC Mark

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