1. Ribs, wings or any food drenched in barbecue sauce, really.
If a food is so messy that it has to be served with moist towelettes, then you should be well aware of what kind of grubbing session you’re getting yourself into. This won’t be pleasant to watch, but succulent rib meat + BBQ sauce triggers that same cannot-see-the-haters carelessness as alcohol or Monday mornings. Your teeth will have chunks stuck in them, and even the part where you suck the meat off the bone won’t be sexy, leaving what looks like a saucy version of The Joker’s red, scar smile along your lips and cheeks. Still, ribs and wings are worth momentarily sacrificing any concern about looks.
2. Leftover chip powder on fingers.
Sucking, licking, slurping action in the name of nacho cheese dust residue is one of life’s necessary pleasures. If someone tries to look at you as if you’re doing anything less than God’s work, there’s something wrong with them. What are you going to do, wash it off? Wipe it on a napkin? No. Absolutely not. Eating chips turns our fingers into cheesy, salty, flavory lollipops and we’re going to have to un-sexily take advantage of that.
3. The crumbs in the corner of a chip bag.
There’s no such thing as pouring a bag of food down your throat and not looking somewhat like a savage in the process. However, you need to get those last tiny scraps of salty goodness, and if that means setting sexy aside and sacrificing your normal, sensual aura, oh well.
4. Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars.
I think they include two bars per package because when you subtract the amount of crumbs breaking off these things, you’re probably only eating about half of one. With each bite you can feel little bits of unsexy granola and oats falling down your lips. the leftover flakes will decorate your shirt, fill your lap and cover the floor below you.
5. Large burgers & sandwiches
When we’re given a plate with monstrous servings, questions arise. Do I go for a bite? Do I cut it in half to make you seem more manageable even though that won’t change its girth? Do I even have an appetite anymore since this burger makes me think of the word girth? The answers are yes, sure if you’d like to, and that’s a pretty unappetizing word, but if your hunger is stronger than your vocabulary, tough it out.
6. Chipotle Burritos
They’re massive and difficult to hold and delicate and they fall apart easily and worst of all, they’re delicious. Because of the tastiness, it’s easy to disregard appearances and travel to a parallel universe where it’s just you and that stunning, precious serving of Chipotle.
Slurping up individual noodles has potential to be sexy, but eating it by the forkful and with the sauce is a real game changer. It’s messy stuff, flicking all over the place as you suck up the pasta. Also, if you’re not careful it’ll leave stains around your mouth that make it appear you’ve been bobbing for SpaghettiO’s.