1. People can be insanely stingy and it’s never more evident than when a Netflix leech shamelessly solicits your login info, to save themselves $7.99.
2. ‘Quality over quantity’ might be how the saying goes, but people do love them some quantity too. What Netflix streaming lacks in A+ films it makes up for with a massive selection. If you’re going to bring crappy beer to the party, at least bring a lot of it.
3. A documentary covering topics you’re interested in is more effective than an entire semester’s worth of a class you hate. If you care, your mind is there.
4. There’s unproductive, as in watching television and films all day — and then there’s the pure, unadulterated idleness in the form of blankly staring at the screen, hypnotized as you scroll aimlessly through your options for large chunks of time, without ever actually making a selection.
5. There are few blindsides more stunningly painful than Netflix getting rid of a show or movie you love without fair warning.
6. People inaccurately judge others based on very little knowledge. I watched one black comedy months ago and ever since then, Netflix swears I’m a die-hard Tyler Perry fanatic.
7. Procrastination is a slippery slope and once you lose your footing, the plummet to the bottom is difficult to recover from.
8. Danger is real, but fear is a choice. The risk of getting sucked into a whirlwind of wasted days is a thing, but choosing to avoid Netflix entirely because you have no self-control is your decision. That first line is actually from Will & Jaden Smith’s After Earth which, based on box office numbers, many of you may end up watching for the first time on Netflix.
9. Sometimes you’ve got to judge a book by its cover and trust your instincts. I mean, seeing that image of Hansel & Gretel Get Baked should be more than enough to form a solid opinion.
10. If we’re not passionate about our work, our will to be productive is weak, and we are at the mercy of what Netflix decides to stream. If widely beloved shows with a ton of episodes like Friends or The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air ever become an option, productivity will see a drastic decline. You’ll be chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool and your job will be a joke, you’ll be broke, and your love life D.O.A.
11. Rely on people at your own risk. If you choose to “borrow” someone’s Netflix, then one day the owner may change their password or cancel the account, leaving you scrambling, trying to hatch a plan because you put your eggs in one, unreliable basket.
12. Satisfying your vices in a weekend long binge is the best way to do it. Something about wasting Saturdays leaves you feeling less guilty than a workday would.
13. Discipline is productivity’s closest cousin. Whether we’re talking about cookies, hits of meth or episodes of How I Met Your Mother, “Just one more” ALWAYS means “Just 2-∞ more.”
14. There are always methods to treating your own addiction. Nicotine patches for smokers, Redbox for Netflix abusers.
15. When they said “good things come to those who wait,” its clear they meant holding off on watching a show until it had multiple seasons available on Netflix. No commercials and more importantly, no weeks, months or years between episodes.
16. Your daily agenda is only as strong as your ability to say “no.” If you want to make Netflix laugh, tell it about your plans.
17. All hobbies and habits have potential to become gateway activities. For example, Netflix can lead to Hulu, then to Hulu+, then to adding HBO to your cable package, then suddenly you’ve got access to HBOGo and no desire to step outside of your home or be an active member of society.
18. Being prepared to make snap decisions in life is crucial. There are a few seconds before the next episode autoplays on Netflix, and if you don’t nip it in the bud early, it’ll start to feel like pressing the stop button isn’t even in your jurisdiction. The vehicle’s title may have your name on it, but Netflix has taken control of the wheel.
19. Patience isn’t a virtue; it’s an endangered asset. When Netflix has to stop and load, even for a few seconds, it’s natural to freak out. Uh, what are you doing, Netflix?! I don’t pay $7.99 a month for this! No, literally, I don’t pay for you and now I’ll use this buffering nonsense as vindication, to justify my pirating of someone else’s account. We’ve been so fortunate to experience the luxury of immediateness, which leads me to the next lesson.
20. Everything from your childhood is held in such high regards because you were a child. VHS tapes suck. The quality, the fast forwarding, the rewinding – in comparison, streaming Netflix takes a dump on the 90s way of doing things. Not only that, when you go back and watch the smorgasbord of 90s content Netflix has to offer, you realize that so much of it was amusing and magnificent to 8-year-old you who, aside from farts, had a very far sense of humor.
21. You are only as mysterious as your ‘Recently Watched’ allows you to be.