1. You love Starbucks as much, if not more than your least favorite family member.
Don’t be ashamed, venti frappuccinos have done more for you than your douchey cousin Zach ever will. While I’ve managed to refrain from Instagram-ing my beverages, I have reached Starbucks ‘Gold Card’ status from being there often enough to make my clothes reek of coffee beans. If white girls had a sponsor, it would definitely have to be Starbucks, as this is undoubtedly the product they are most notorious for endorsing in numerous photos run through every last Instagram filter.
2. You quote Marilyn Monroe… Even if it’s not actually Marilyn Monroe you’re quoting.
Hey, I went years thinking it was Tupac who said “F-ck bitches, get money” and it was actually Biggie, so I can relate to being totally wrong about who said something.
3. You love Pretty Little Liars.
I got a secret, can you keep it? I binge watched like two seasons of Pretty Little Liars and I kind of enjoyed it. Look, I’d just finished Breaking Bad and found myself browsing Netflix in a vulnerable state — one thing led to another and Ashley Benson was all over the screen so I stuck around, perhaps for too long.
4. You love Katy Perry.
“I just like the beat” and “I’m just hate-watching it” are my go-to excuses for listening to Katy Perry’s music and watching Katy Perry’s videos. In these moments of dishonesty I envy white girls who have the luxury of listening to any artist they please, facing minimal judgment.
5. You love the Cupid Shuffle, the Cha Cha Slide (Part 2) & the wobble.
Something about music with very specific instructions is alluring to white girls and I’m right there with them, doing my right foot two stomps, left foot two stomps with the utmost enthusiasm.
6. You forget about close friends’ birthdays but you’re well aware when Pumpkin Spice Latte’s are returning.
But seriously, why can’t we have pumpkin flavored EVERYTHING as an option year-round?
7. You love leggings/yoga pants/Victoria’s Secret/The North Face.
White girls love to wear these brands and articles of clothing, and while visually I can share a mutual appreciate their existence, I won’t know how pleasant yoga pants or leggings physically feel. Unless men’s fashion takes a drastic turn, wearing The North Face is my best bet as far as dressing like a white girl goes.
8. You take pride in your ability to quote Mean Girls.
It has basically become second nature for you to blurt out lines in response to any applicable statement. I’ve shouted “She doesn’t even go here!” at the most inappropriate of times and I don’t regret it in the least bit.
9. You’ve driven a bug at one point or another.
When my rusty, weathered Cavalier crapped out on me years back, the only option available was to borrow a VW Beetle. In the short stretch that I used it, there was one instance where, upon pulling up to a red light, a mother and who I’m assuming was her teenage daughter blatantly pointed and laughed at me. Longest 20 seconds at a stoplight, ever. 100% true story. Apparently brothas driving bright red bugs isn’t a social norm, so would you rather be a stereotype or a spectacle?
10. You love being tan.
I was born 27 shades darker than the average white girl, but I get it. Giving yourself a brown skin complexion is probably a great deal of fun as long as people can tell there’s a white woman under than bronzer.
11. You enjoyed Pitch Perfect and have practiced the cup song before.
It’s a hilarious, quotable movie so there’s that, but oh boy, then there’s the cup song. If you’ve ever searched YouTube for a cup song tutorial and found yourself on the brink of tears from pure frustration after failing miserably, well join the stereotypical white girl club.
12. You find it slightly aggravating when Starbucks spells your name wrong.
Okay, this is the last Starbucks related point, but it isn’t like that green and white twin-tailed mermaid logo isn’t a significant part of the stereotypical white girl’s life. Now in the barista’s defense, it’s hard to remember if have one of those names like Kirsten or Kristen or Chelsea or Kelsey and there are countless variations to spelling your name. My name is Chris, so I’ve seen Kris, Khris, Cris, James, etc. and experienced the incorrect spelling struggle firsthand. Somehow I still always manage to gulp down my iced coffee despite it being wrongfully labeled. Impressive? Duh, but I’m no hero. I’m just a black, stereotypical, white, girl man.
13. You love Nutella.
Fried chicken is to black folks as Nutella is to white girls.
14. You love Uggs.
Stereotypical white girls treat Uggs similar to Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in the sense that there’s no wrong way to wear them in their eyes. Winter, summer, at the store, at the club, in a box, with a fox, in a house, with a mouse, here or there, anywhere.
15. Drake Is Your Favorite Rapper.
I can appreciate Aubrey because I’ve enjoyed him since the Degrassi days, but boy do stereotypical white girls love them some Drizzy. Wait, don’t go trying to remove his lyrics from your Twitter bio now, own it.
16. You have an iPhone that you love like a living, breathing pet.
Bonus stereotypical white girl points if you have a very specific phone case for aforementioned cellular device.
17. You love a good acronym.
OMG w/e irdc tbh tbgdekwhta. First person to decode that last one, gets a $25 gift card to Starbucks or like, an acronym solver of the year trophy.
18. You have a frequently maintained Tumblr & Pinterest.
They’re chockfull of pictures of all the things you want at your wedding, and the shirtless celebrities you adore. Pleated wedding dress! Channing Tatum! Unique wedding invitations that are so cute! Mark Wahlberg! And so on, and so forth.
19. You’ve picked up the art of twerking.
It had been around for a while but perhaps Miley Cyrus made it a mainstream trend for some ladies. The white girl specialty seems to be wall twerking, but don’t put ‘em in a box because they appear to be hell-bent on conquering the booty shaking game over time. Seriously, search the term “twerking” on Twitter or Vine and try to count how many white girls you see gyrating. The quantity of stereotypical white girls twerking is evergrowing — almost as if the limit does not exist.
20. You kind of don’t care about stereotypes.
I tend not to care what pigeonholes people jokingly place black folks in because meh, whatever. I don’t like watermelon, I’m not a criminal, and while Kool-Aid is a personal favorite, who cares what people say? I find stereotypes somewhat amusing and the fact that White Chicks made over $100 million in the box office indicates that plenty of white girls do too. When you have enough intelligence to know who you are and a decent sense of humor, stereotypes can be taken lightly. As Katy Perry says, “Baby you’re a firework, c’mon show ‘em what you’re worth…” Not exactly sure how that applies but it felt so right.