1. Can I borrow your laptop?
You’ll inevitably reply:
Hell to the no, how dare you even ask that Uh, sure.
My hesitance to hand over my Macbook has nothing to do with there being porn or stuff to hide on it, it’s just that it’s… MINE. It’s mine and I don’t feel like sharing! Why don’t you just use your phone if you need to Google something? Maybe it’s because we don’t want our expensive, precious belongings in the hands of others, or perhaps we’re subconsciously afraid that we forgot to use an incognito window once or twice and our web habits have some embarrassing revelations. Whatever it is, there’s an unexplainable, selfish feeling when it comes to sharing a laptop.
Honorable mention to: “Can I have a sip?” “Can I have a bite?” and any other question requesting your beloved edibles.
2. Can you help me move?
If a person leads with this, we can always lie about some mandatory thing we have that day, but it’s a new era and folks are clever with these things. Friends will ask, jubilantly “OH MY GOSH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON SATURDAY?!” as if they want to invite you to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory or Applebee’s happy hour on them, but NO. It’s a trap. Here’s how it goes:
YOU: No plans on Saturday, I’m completely free. You got an idea?
THEM: IKEA? Why yes, I have several pieces of large, heavy furniture from there, and it needs to be moved – can you help since you’re free?
3. How are you and (YOUR EX’S NAME HERE)?
The thing is, with all the social networks these days; chances are that if they knew you were together, they’re aware of your breakup. A lot of the time people play dumb with this so they can ask the juicy, follow-up question – “WHAT HAPPENED?”
4. A new version of iTunes (3,949,040.2303200.1) is available. Would you like to download it now?
iTunes has the persistence of Sam I Am, ignoring our rejection and continuously asking if we want their metaphorical green eggs. I do not want it in my laptop, I do not want it, you can stop. I would not like it anytime soon, I would not like updates, iTunes.
5. Where’s the money?!
Do you owe someone? Did you lose a large, significant sum of dollars? Usually those three words being angrily screamed at you is an indicator of trouble. Hopefully your wife didn’t give it to Ted, leaving you hysterical in a crawlspace. If you’re not understand my point and just don’t smell what The Rock Mineral is cooking right now, just proceed to the next question.
6. Do you watch (fill in the popular TV series that you DON’T watch)?
That previous point had Breaking Bad references, which is one of those shows with passionate fans who will look at you with utter disdain if you reveal that you haven’t watched. It sucks to be asked and know that your “No” is going to draw a disgusted expression, along with an aggressive sales pitch and questioning of your life decisions. No exaggeration, I’ve had several Game Of Thrones fans ready to behead me upon discovering my failure to tune in. Now I just try to fit in by using the few things I do know about the show. Yeah, winter is totally coming, the red wedding was so bad and stuff, dwarf guy is my favorite, I hate the disrespectful, prepubescent prince boy. Awesome miniature dragon and gorgeous platinum blonde chick… Word.
7. Are you awake?
Right that very moment, in a groggy, half-asleep fit of rage, I’d like to reply that not only am I awake, but I wish I were at a wake – specifically theirs for the crime against humanity. Do I mean it? No, but many of us are our ugliest when our slumber is broken – and I don’t mean physically.
8. Why are you in a bad mood?
You probably weren’t even in any type of unpleasant mood until the all-knowing mind reader came over with their questions and assumptions. If you’re not aware of the whole “resting bitchface syndrome” thing, get familiar before jumping to conclusions based on one’s facial expression.
9. Do you know why I pulled you over?
Cause I’m young and I’m black and my hat is real low? Do I look like a mind reader, sir? I don’t know. No, but seriously, if I give the right answer it’s essentially an admission of guilt and if I’m wrong, it’ll seem as if I’m playing stupid. Lose-lose situation that’ll probably end with me having to pay a chunk of money.
10. Is it in?
This is primarily horrifying to be asked if you’re doing the inserting, but if you’re the person unsure if there’s a penis inside of you or not, I wouldn’t imagine that’s much better. When it comes to things being put inside of a body hole, all parties involved should be fairly certain of what’s happening, or not happening.
11. Why are you being so quiet/shy?
BECAUSE THE STUFF GOING ON IN HERE *points at head* is more invigorating than any current event small talk you’re wanting to engage in. But have at it, hotshot – you’ve got the confidence to destroy my golden silence, and I have a you break it, you buy it policy. Now entertain me with your super stimulating conversations about the thing that happened to you that one time or today’s forecast.
12. Why are you single?
Because people ask me stupid questions like this one, until eventually I’m irritable and defensive which isn’t a sexy combination. When people ask this I like to turn the tables and say something like, “Because I have zero confidence, walk around staring at the ground with poor posture, and my self esteem is shot which makes me virtually impossible to love.” Now they feel like a jerk, and you get a free ego stroking. Also, the question “Why don’t you just date so-and-so?” Gee, for some reason I was under the impression that I needed their consent to date but I guess I’ll just make an executive decision, throw my magical, dating Poké Ball and catch this person in a relationship with me.
13. So what’ve you been doing with your life?
Unless you’re clearly a successful person, this question is borderline offensive and you will NOT enjoy scrambling to concoct a less pathetic than reality answer. In my opinion, this should feel as risky to ask as “Are you pregnant?” Like, you’re assuming that I’ve been doing something with my life? How dare you rudely jump to such conclusions without knowing how much time I’m wasting! Y’know what, what have YOU been doing with YOUR life? How many massive accomplishments have you had? How many global issues have you solved, huh? HUH?! If you’re doing so great, why are we both standing here, on aisle 6 of a grocery store, at 9:27am on a Friday morning? Riddle me that, ass clown!…
Oh, you recently purchased this and two other branches, making you the owner of three stores, and you’re only here this morning because there’s going to be a food drive to gather donations for every last starving American?… I see… Very cool. Well, I ran into Svetlana from The Real World: Key West a couple months ago, so there’s that.