10 Things That Should Probably Be Illegal

EDITOR’S NOTE: I’ll get this out of the way for some of you: #FirstWorldProblems. There. Now silence, bridge trolls.

1. Companies making it overly complicated to cancel their service. We should be able to say “I wanted you in the past, I don’t anymore, thanks for the good times, now bye.” Instead, some companies make you go through what essentially feels like a watered down divorce process before they’ll stop auto charging your credit card.

2. Speeding tickets issued via cameras. C’mon now. They malfunction, have no ability to be subjective to circumstances and really just shouldn’t exist. Also, they make everybody uncomfortable and are likely responsible for causing as many accidents as they prevent.

3. Book deals being given to jurors. Thankfully it didn’t come to fruition, but the fact that B37 from the Zimmerman trial was actually going to try to cash in on her experience, is all types of wrong.

4. Credit checks being factored in when companies make a decision on hiring, or rejecting you. You paid for a Spring Break trip in 2008 that you couldn’t afford with credit cards, and have some unpaid school loans so now you can’t be a bank teller. That’s right, your empty pockets can’t be trusted around a company’s cash. The concept is silly — being broke doesn’t translate to being a thief, and credit history should be irrelevant in most cases.

5. Songs with sirens in them. So frustrating/terrifying/not cool. 2006 was a year of struggles for me as I was torn between the irresistible urge to listen to Ms. New Booty and flinch every two seconds when a siren sounded in the background.

6. Paparazzi legitimately following and harassing celebrities, many of which are with young children. I know fame is part of the whole being rich thing, but if you legitimately followed, say, a receptionist everywhere he/she drove to, they’d have you arrested for stalking.

7. Convenience fees. An extra charge to pay my bill online? Ironic that the company who provides my electricity supplies so much shade.

8. Undercover cops going out of their way to seek out and convince people to commit crimes. It just feels kind of corrupt to seek out people and solicit them for sex, before revealing not only are they not about to get laid, but they’re also going to jail. Letting people approach you about drugs or what have you is one thing, but giving them a sales pitch ‘til they cave and accept, then cuffing ‘em seems kind of grimy.

9. Elderly folks with conditions that could potentially be hazardous to other drivers not being required to have checkups or take a competence test every so often. I’m not ageist; some of my best friends are old. However, there are some scary senior citizens on the roads, who should have to submit to some type of assessment every so often. That being said, there are some completely healthy, perfect vision having 20-somethings who drive like ass clown, and deserve have their abilities verified as well.

10. Child pageants. Am I the only one who feels uncomfortable about these things existing? Something about kids in makeup being exploited by their vicarious living parents makes me itchy. TC Mark

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