1. Shark Week.
If there’s a type of programming that draws viewers and is widely enjoyed, why not just give the people what they want? I understand that some things are best consumed in smaller increments, but television documenting carnivorous fish isn’t one of them. In 1926 there was black history week, which turned to black history month in 1976 and guess what? Four years later, in 1980, BET (Black Entertainment Television) was founded. Horrible comparison? Probably, but that doesn’t change the fact that a channel strictly dedicated to shark content would gobble up a ton of ratings.
2. Pumpkin flavored things.
I’m looking at you, Starbucks. What’s a brotha to do when it’s June and he’s craving a pumpkin spice latte? Stop trying to make cake pops happen and give the people 365 days of access to glory. WHAT DO WE WANT? Year-round pumpkin! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? Right fumpkin now!
3. Christmas music.
Those who love it, LOVE it, and those who hate it, hate it with the fiery passion of 1,000 suns. You know what other music genre draws similar, extremely differing opinions? Country. And I don’t see Carrie Underwood taking an 11-month vacation every December 26th. As a person who annoys the hell out of others by playing Jingle Bell Rock on a loop, I’m an advocate for giving Christmas tunes their own stations so it can just become a regular form that artists dabble in. Imagine mainstream stuff injected with holiday-ness. Blurred Lines the Christmas version, if you will — what rhymes with humbug?
4. Monster-themed, sugary cereals.
FRANKEN BERRY DESERVES BETTER, General Mills, as do his friends Count Chocula, Fruity Yummy Mummy, etc. You need some room on the roster for these delicious cereals? Here’s what you do: make Fiber One, Chex and Wheaties seasonal, only offering them in January when everyone is on their annual New Year’s resolution health kick, but don’t take the likes of Boo Berry away after what feels like a mere yearly cameo.
5. Valentine’s Day levels of niceness to your significant other.
I know, y’all, I sound like one of those shirtless, 13-year-old, backwards hat, swag having, cliché quote posting, I-respect-women-and-stuff Twitter accounts, but it’s true. If the only day a year you treat your boyfriend or girlfriend special is February 14th because Walgreens has a bunch of pink & red things everywhere, well you’re only being an above average partner seasonally, which typically won’t cut it, but will get you cut.
Every retail store hires employees at particular parts of the year, telling them in advance that they’re only needed for a predetermined amount of time. Yes, sometimes you can perform well enough to be kept long-term, but the concept of a company openly saying “Hey, we need you from October to December, after that it’s probably bye-bye and good luck in your future endeavors.” is kind of discomforting. Imagine a girlfriend informing you from the jump, you’ve got two months to impress me or you’ve got to go. Any relationship in life is hard to naturally develop when you know the clock is ticking.
7. The McRib.
Some people find (alleged) pork patties slathered in tangy barbecue sauce with test-tube onions and processed pickles. Look, mystery meat ain’t for everyone, but the folks it’s for want their fix a little more often.
8. CBS’ Big Brother.
Those who don’t watch won’t understand me, but the super fans know how addicting this reality series is. The live feeds provide you 24-7 access to the house and on your lowest day as an addict, you find yourself sitting there enthralled as you watch people make scrambled eggs for breakfast or chat about nonsense. This show typically runs from July-September, and when you’re a fanatic it can occupy entirely too much of your summer.
9. McDonald’s Shamrock Shake.
Two strikes, McDonalds. Without the rock your shakes are a sham.
10. Thankfulness on Thanksgiving.
Again, here is high and mighty Hudspeth preaching basic principals, but it’s also truth. My iPhone’s battery and the Wi-Fi at my apartment suck! Wait, is it the fourth Thursday of November. Damn, I mean, I’m totally grateful for my rapidly dying phone and lackluster performing internet. We can’t allow ourselves to be unappreciative for the majority of the year — I mean, you can, but don’t be shocked when your misery renders your friendships seasonal.