1. Pringles: 16 chips.
The Pringles slogan acknowledges the fact that they’re the crack version of potato chips, rendering their consumers unable to refrain from stopping once the popping has commenced. Still, somehow they’re recommending that we call it a day after 16 crisps. 16? That’s not even old enough to buy a pack of cigarettes. There are about 96 Pringles total in each can, and I’d imagine most of us devour them 1/3 at a time. That’s 32 chips per sitting which seems more reasonable than 16. That number may sound sufficient until you’ve actually got those salty pieces of heaven right there in front of you. And depending on the day, that 32 can easily turn into 64 or however many it takes to reach that dreaded point where your hand is too bulky to reach the last stack of is-my-dignity-down-there? chips.
2. Ranch Dressing: 2 Tbsp.
The disturbing part of this serving size is that nobody willing to drench their food in gooey ranch eats it, or any other dressing/sauce/dip for that matter, in “tablespoon” increments. Some of us base meals entirely around ranch — it’s the star of the movie, not a two-line-having scrub. Scripts are written in the name of ranch, salads are tossed with dressing in mind. Not to mention the fact that crappy, bland food can be improved big time with a little bit of ranch. I’ve seen mediocre chicken strips earn high praise because a bottle of white gold flew in and saved the day. We should drop tablespoons and begin measuring ranch servings in the Like It, Love It, or Gotta Have It Cold Stone ice cream system.
3. Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries: 3/4 cup.
C’mon, even a full cup would be ridiculous, but 3/4s? Do I carefully douse that tiny bit of cereal in seven drops of milk and act like it’s satisfying? We do cereal by the BOWLful, not spoonful. I like my berries and treasure chest, yellow cereal thingies overflowing out the bowl. Then, after devouring that first one, I’m probably going to have a second serving because multiple bowls of cereal are a norm. Even as 8-year-olds this would’ve been a bogus amount and a candidate for most unsatisfying childhood nourishment, right behind the notoriously undersized Capri Suns. Anyway, to measure cereal in anything less than 2.5 cups is asinine, preposterous, ridiculousness.
4. Sugar Cookies (Those really soft, seasonal ones): 1 cookie.
One cookie? That’s laughable. Very rarely do we eat ONE of anything as far as snacks go, so why would we do that for these soft, thickly frosted, beautifully sprinkle decorated, rich sugar cookies? It’s like God said, “Well Adam & Eve ruined the whole perfect life thing for you guys, but I guess I’ll give you these as a consolation prize.” They’re incredibly sweet, so two or three might actually be reasonable but again, if one cookie is satisfying you may as well save that circle of frosting covered life for someone who appreciates and respects it enough to have seconds, and maybe even thirds. Go hard or go home or go to the store and buy your own.
5. Mountain Dew: 12 fl. oz.
A typical can of coda is 12 ounces, which is the listed serving size. Do cans satisfy you? If not, you’ll probably upgrade to a personal bottle, which is 20 ounces. Then there are the folks who still need more, and they get the massive sized fountain drinks from gas stations, which range anywhere from 32-44 ounces. Yes, that’s a lot of drink but it’s very doable in this day and age. Considering that pop is pure sugar and we often buy it in 12 ounce, aluminum servings, this seems fairly reasonable. That being said, some folks dew in fact drink soda by the liter, but they’re the minority in this scenario.
6. Hostess Powdered Donuts: 4 Donuts.
Four miniature powdered donuts. Four of them. Here are four donuts: O O O O. You eat one. O O O — three left. O O, two. O, one… That’s how quick it is, now does that really seem satisfying? Does that feel like a reasonable amount for someone who eats until it hurts? Actually, I guess technically the serving size is really only one number away from being accurate. No, not 5 — I mean an entire digit off, as in add a “1” and make it 14.
7. Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies: 1 cookie.
What? ¿qué? vad? cosa? 什么? Ano? 何? ما? nə? τι? Me no speak One-Cookie. Me no comprehend. Methinks Little Debbie unreasonable. I can’t hear you Debs, not over me shoving Cosmic Brownies, Star Crunches and your other concoctions in my mouth. You should reconsider your serving size, or make products that are actually big enough to be eaten one by one instead of 2+ at a time.
8. Oreos: 3 Cookies.
GO HOME OREO SERVING SIZE, YOU’RE DRUNK. Wait, surely you didn’t mean three cookies — perhaps three rows? Yeah, that’s what the serving size meant *he tried to convince himself, before going back to cradling a nearly empty package of Oreos on the couch.*
9. DiGiorno Pizza: 1/6 pizza.
Uh, what? 1/6th? Like 6 pieces? The most slices I’ve ever seen a DiGiorno pizza cut into is four. Other times I’ve seen it cut in half, but only for easier consumption by a singer person. Depending on appetite there are many out there capable of conquering an entire pizza, but even those of us with tiny tummies aren’t stopping after one slice — especially if it’s cut into six, baby-sized portions.
10. Skittles: 1/4 cup.
Four to fifteen handfuls is the only human way to eat these. If someone asked me for some Skittles, then proceeded to take 1/4 cup, I’d report them to the police and there’s probably like a secret law menu of sorts, that makes disrespecting Skittles punishable by 5-10 years in the can. Pick & choose with the intent of leaving only purple/grape Skittles and you’re talking about a national security violation. Just be careful what you do with these candies, because they’re a treasure and the bag is being modest with the serving size. It’s very important that you aggressively snag or pours handfuls of these rainbow colored candies and refrain from being the least bit bashful. Let’s be real — you’d likely eat an entire satchel sized bag of Skittles before even considering stopping at 1/4 cup.
In closing, it’s worth acknowledging that anything related to overeating is a good problem to have, and we’re fortunate if we find this piece amusing/relatable.