The Hungry Person’s Guide To Impatient Fat Kid Syndrome

The Hungry Person’s Guide To Impatient Fat Kid Syndrome

WHAT IS IT?

Impatient Fat Kid Syndrome (IFKS) is the inability to contain one’s hunger in a logical and/or calm fashion. Here’s a prime example: You know that pizza is extremely hot, but you’re going to irrationally take a bite anyway. It burns your mouth, which hurts a great deal, but you’re still going to go in for another. And another, chomping away as the roof of your mouth and tongue are painfully scorched. Basically your appetite takes the wheel, leading you down a road of recklessness in the name of immediate sustenance.

HOW DO PEOPLE FIND OUT IF THEY HAVE IFKS?

The string cheese test. Buy a stick of string cheese and try to eat the entire thing methodically, tearing off strands until it’s been consumed in its entirety. If When you end up taking a bite, breaking it in half or tearing off a chunk, that means you probably suffer from IFKS.

*For lactose intolerant folks, attempt to lick your way to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

ARE THERE ANY PARTICULAR WARNING SIGNS/SYMPTOMS?

Sure, there are tons but they can really come in any form. Here are a few random, telltale signs:

– Even if you don’t particularly enjoy cold Pop-Tarts, the toasting process is entirely too long for your tolerance, so you skip it and eat uncooked, room temperature breakfast snacks.

– Your microwave never hits zero. For all you know, when your microwave’s timer expires, it could play the Kidz Bop version of Macklemore’s Thrift Shop or have the meaning of life spoken by Jesus himself. Sure, it probably just beeps, but you’ll never know for certain because you don’t let your pizza rolls cook for the entire recommended time.

– The concept of preheating an oven frustrates you, so you skip it entirely, placing things in immediately after adjusting knobs to desired temperature.

WHAT ARE THE DO’S AND DON’TS FOR IMPATIENT FAT KID SYNDROME SUFFERERS?

DO carry snacks at all times. Snickers commercials weren’t exaggerating when they said you’re not yourself when you’re hungry. Upon leaving your home, the appropriate checklist should be phone, keys, wallet/purse, & SNACK(S).

DON’T go to dinner dates on an empty stomach. Dates are for good impressions and ideally making people like you, which is pretty hard when you’re grouchy. You’ll be annoyed waiting for food, and it’s hard to hold a conversation when your brain is focused on steak and you state at every passing waiter, hoping the food they’re carrying is yours.

DO share your condition with your friends. Let them know that they aren’t just friends with you, but also with your alter ego who is a touchy, inconsiderate, intolerant fat ass.

DON’T get comfortable in your ways. Acknowledging your problem is one thing, but grow too content and suddenly you’re just a whiny brat who complains when things don’t immediately go your way.

DO call in orders beforehand as often as possible so you don’t put yourself in a position for your IFKS to rear its ugly head.

DON’T grocery shop on an empty stomach. Not only will you buy an excessive amount of food, but you’ll have shopper fury, which is basically road rage on two-legs, with a grocery cart as your vehicle.

DOES THE EAGERNESS DRAW PEOPLE WITH IFKS TOWARDS FAST FOOD JOINTS?

The drive-through isn’t fast enough and the ride home isn’t either. First, you’ll sit in line waiting to order/receive your food, and this is what you’ll feel like doing:Then, even after you’ve got your grease doused bag of grub, your French fries will never make it home. One hand controls the wheel while the other acts like a claw in those stuffed animal, crane machines; reaching into the bag and coming up with fingers full of hot, salty fries, then shoving them into your mouth hastily.

CAN IT BE CURED?

Well it would certainly take a conscious effort and a great deal of patience. I can’t emphasis that enough – PATIENCE is key. Patience. Pantience. Patiencake. Pancaince. Pancake. Mmm… So no, Impatient Fat Kid Syndrome is probably incurable. TC Mark

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