1. At some point, in the most unfortunate of circumstances, you’ll have to help deliver a woman’s baby.
The writers of 90s television loved the phrase, “I think my water just broke!” Countless times we saw our beloved characters find their way into isolated situations with some pregnant woman, who inevitably went into labor. Because of this, I spent years expecting every with child woman who was with child and in my vicinity to keel over and have contractions, but no dice. I never got my chance to shine as impromptu doctor. Sure it could still happen someday, but now, with the guidance of smart phones is it even a challenge? I mean, a Google search & five minutes and that baby is delivered.
Quicksand is a straight up non-factor in life. It’s a relief, but also anticlimactic to know that we probably won’t ever be stuck in this predicament, especially after seeing the frightening mystique of these sandy swamps abolished by the brilliant Bill Nye.
3. Our mother’s physical appearance might change at any given time.
Between Harriet on Family Matters and Vivian on The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air, I was under the impression that every mother’s days were numbered before she’d inevitably be recast – especially the black ones. Some people don’t step on cracks out of respect for their mother’s back, I avoided ‘em because I didn’t want mine replaced next season.
4. Spiked punch.
Who knows how many tasty fruit juice opportunities were skipped because people dreaded that the bowl was tainted with vodka. You know what was also a let down? The alleged existence of punch bowls in general. Several birthday parties, countless school dances – not once did I even see a punch bowl present. They are the Big Foot of beverages.
5. I’d have a teacher who not only gave sound advice, but also stuck around for my schooling career in its entirety.
Around eighth grade or so it became evident that I wasn’t going to find my Mr. Feeney (or my Topanga, but that’s a whole ‘nother story). It would’ve been nice to basically have an extra parent, keeping you on the right track. Hell, I’d have settled for the same teacher two consecutive semesters.
6. Massive food fights.
Food fights, suuure that’s a thing. I bet there were a lot of punch bowls being dumped on heads during these “food fights” that happened so regularly. Whatever. Anyways, shout out to the early stages of OCD having, neat freak kids who cringed during food fight scenes like, “What are they doing? Somebody’s going to have to clean that mac & cheese up, and I think some of it got in that crevice too, ugh.”
7. Old dudes with toupees were prone to humiliation, specifically their hairpiece being unattached on the regular.
I’m still waiting. For years I’ve refrained from searching “toupee falls off” on YouTube, because I don’t want it to lessen the effect when I see the real thing in person. Unfortunately, despite 24 of patience, the greatest hair related accident I’ve ever witnessed didn’t even involve a hairpiece. Still, one plus side of being a middle-aged person will be having more friends & colleagues who are at risk to such shame.
8. You’ll get handcuffed to someone at some point.
It’s even more cliché if the person you’re cuffed to is your crush, but it’s typically a result of failed magic tricks or equally ridiculous shenanigans. Super disappointing stuff, not only have I never been handcuffed to a person, I’ve not been handcuffed period, and I’m a black man in America so the opportunity is certainly there. Perhaps I should start a food fight in a restaurant and get arrested – bringing 90s TV lies to reality, two at a time.
9. We’d be ungrateful and one day an angel would visit us to show us how crappy life is without our existence, thus making us appreciate what we have.
Okay, so I know that this is unlikely, but I’ve seen as many guardian angels as fruit punch bowls, so naysayers hush. Seemingly every series had their It’s A Wonderful Life knock off episode. In reality I’m not even expecting this to happen with a dramatic messenger from above coming down specifically to visit and assist me – I mean, that’s a pretty arrogant concept if you think about it. Still, I’m hoping life will offer a BIGGER “Aha!” moment than when I see a really enlightening tweet from P. Diddy or a discover a place with really good wings. Side note: Diddy would perfectly fit the bill to play a guardian angel on some type of UPN black comedy that should’ve existed 10+ years ago.